Reason #31: Joey Cora Crying

"Dad, is everybody still going to cheer for them even though they lost?"

"Of course. It's been a great ride."

Nuff said.

Reason #30: Gregg Popovich

Let's get the obvious out of the way. Popovich coached the San Antonio Spurs to victory over the Sonics in the 2005 playoffs, with Ray Allen's buzzer-beating shot clanging off to end Game 6, the series and Seattle's most recent run in the professional basketball playoffs. He also turned Bruce Bowen from a moderately bad small forward into an evil ankle-stomping cyborg. But that's not why he's on this list. Nor is it that he consistantly produces the least entertaining basketball to watch since the Washington Generals intra-squad scrimmages.

No, the reason Popovich is listed is because this is no longer funny.



Fouling the big fella five seconds into the game? Watching Shaq stand there, dumbfounded like Mongo from Blazing Saddles, and finally getting the joke? Nope. Not funny. Not even close. Because I hate you, Shaq. Kazaam was awful and your raps are the single worst noises to ever be recorded onto compact discs. I hate you, Greg Popovich. Your beard is ridiculous and your team is boring. I hate you, large association of basketball teams that pay players money. You are stupid. Nyeah nyeah.

Reason #29: Trading Jamie Moyer

Jamie Moyer is one of the biggest class acts in all of baseball and as you can see from the picture, is really missing Seattle right now. He won the Lou Gerhig, Roberto Clemente and Branch Rickey Awards all over a two year period, 2003-2004. He was an All-Star and a critical part of the run of quality Mariner teams in the early 2000s, winning 20 games twice and finishing in the Top 6 of the Cy Young voting three times.

Who did Bill Bavasi get for him? Andrew Baldwin and Andrew Barb. Never heard of them? Neither have I. Who foaming at the bit to make the trade? Why, only the architect of that mini-dynasty, former Mariners GM Pat Gillick, who unlike Bavasi, can read. And write. And count to 20 without taking off his shoes.

After watching Moyer go 16-7 with a 3.71 ERA for the Phillies this past year, it's pretty clear that the man was not washed up and will not be in the foreseeable future. The man pitched 6 1/3 strong innings in his first and possibly last World Series start...WITH ANAL LEAKAGE. Yes, that's right. This is not a rumor. Here is what his wife, Karen, had to say:

"It was so bad I had to change the sheets twice. He ruined two pillows. Our comforter is at the cleaners right now."

His son got in on the hi-jinks too:

"Know how the bloody sock went to the Hall of Fame? Our toilet seat should go to the Hall of Fame"

Good lord. How could you not let this man end his career in Seattle? He is everything we as a city stand for. Get your ring, Jamie.

Reason #28: Charlie Weis

Nice knowin' ya, Ty.

So you thought you'd seen the worst pass. Surely UW had to be headed toward some sort of rebound, with a embarrassing record of 0-6 and a big game - if a winless team can have one - against Notre Dame. Maybe they wouldn't win, but it had to be close, right? It would be a game for the UW football team to gain an iota of respect, putting them at exactly one iota.

By the third quarter, with the Huskies trailing 24-o and with under 50 total yards of offense, that goal had flew out the window. All there was left was to try and avoid getting completely humiliated. But the Huskies, a team in decline faster than the stock market, couldn't manage that either. On 4th and 13, and Notre Dame with the ball in their own friggin territory, head coach Charlie Weis decided to stab a knife into the UW gut. More like a pin into the UW pincushion, actually, since there have been several already stabbed in.

Weis called for the fake punt, and after it went for 30 something yards - inevitable, really - UW bowed their heads in shame yet again. They had been handed the ultimate disrespect, and they took it. It was the crap cherry on the crap ice cream sundae of a season.

Here's a catchy slogan. UW football '08: There Is No Floor.

Reason #27: OKC vs. LAL

You used to be our token white guy, Nick Collison.

I never thought three letters could hurt me so bad (I always figured it would take at least four or five) but flipping on ESPN to see that OKC at the bottom of the screen broke my little heart.

But then Andrew Bynum dunked all over Johan Petro and I felt better. It turns out that if you sucked in one city, then you probably still suck in another less populated, less educated, less money making, LESS COOL city.

Is 10-72 too much to ask for?

Reason #26: Jim McIlvaine

The goal of every sports franchise is to build a dynasty, a team that competes in its arena of play at an extremely high level, perennial contenders for a championship. It takes foresight, it takes creative thinking, and it takes a little bit of luck. A dynasty is an incredibly hard thing to create.

But all it takes to undo one is 85 inches.

That’s the height of Jim McIlvaine, the 7’1” former Seattle center that casual Sonics fans have long since forgotten, and that hardcore fans would like to forget. You see, after the 1996 season in which the Sonics were denied the NBA title by the Bulls, the best team the NBA’s ever seen, McIlvaine was a free agent. At the same time, superstar Sonic Shawn Kemp was asking for a salary increase, one which he deserved to keep up with the rapid escalation of contract sizes. But the team instead gave McIlvaine, who had averaged under 3 points and 3 rebounds that season, the keys to the vault.

You don’t do that. You just never, ever do that. If you have an immensely talented, relatively young player that just took you to the Finals and can do it again, you pay him. No questions asked. You don’t give an unproven shot-block specialist priority over Shawn Friggin Kemp. He and Gary Payton were the dream duo – Kemp was the peanut butter to Payton’s jelly, the Coke to his rum. They were the best two players the franchise had ever seen, and they were broken up because to a few misguided people, Jim McIlvaine deserved the big money more.

The result of the story is a tragend - tragic legend – the Sonics never again made the Finals, McIlvaine was an enormous bust, never averaging more than 4 points or 4 rebounds per game, and Kemp was traded away the following year. The Reign Man’s career would never again be the same, as he battled weight problems, alcohol and an addiction to a different kind of coke.

That 1996 season would be the last peak in the history of Seattle professional basketball. The rest that followed was a slow downhill death spiral into oblivion. And Jim McIlvaine, all 85 inches of him, was one of the many factors that caused the downfall of the Sonics.

Reason #25: Jack Zduriencik

Congrats on the hire, Jack. I hate you already. Leave it to the Mariners to screw up the most simple of tasks: getting a new GM. If Howard Lincoln had watched baseball in the past 10 years, he would know that when it comes to putting someone in charge of your team, there is one and only one rule:

HIRE THE YOUNGEST KID YOU CAN FIND.

Just look at the ALCS. Theo Epstein just got his driver's license and Andrew Friedman just started shaving. So what do the M's do? They hire some wrinkly, balding old man who probably was alive during the Carter Administration.

You know who they should've hired? Twelve year old Billy Heywood.

Except this time around if Ken Griffey Jr. robs you of a home run, you can't still marry his mom, you ginger tool.

Reason #24: Hiroshi Yamauchi

Ah, Mr. Hiroshi Yamauchi. Can I call you Yama?
I'll take that as a yes. So, Yama, I don't want to sound ungrateful here, my man. After all, you did purchase majority control of the Mariners in '92 and helped keep the team from jetting off to Florida or some place. And you did a ton of great stuff for Nintendo in the 80's and early 90's - I've got you to thank for Donkey Kong becoming a smash hit.

But Yama, would it kill you to come to a game of the team you own once in a while? Ok, how about once - ever? No? Can't do it? Dude, you're like the 150th richest person in the world, and you can't hop a plane across the Pacific to catch a game. I mean, you could buy a team of dolphins and have them tow you to Seattle on a chocolate raft if you wanted. So what's the deal?

And if you aren't that interested in the Mariners - alright, can't blame ya there, given the last 5 years - what's up with the Kenji Johjima signing? 3 years, 24 million for a oldish bad hitting, meh defense catcher - when our best hitting prospects play the same position. Now, I know Bill Bavasi trying to make big signings is about as intelligent as Napoleon trying to invade Russia. But even he wouldn't have signed Johjima on his own. So how about, when we get Jack Z as our new GM, you let him stick to baseball and you stick to counting your piles of money, alright? Thanks Yama, I knew you'd understand.

Reason #23: Cody Bruns

Cody Bruns on Cody Bruns:
I run crisp routes and have good body control. I can go up and catch the rock. That's my objective. I feel like I'm a technician on the field.

I'm actually not going to make fun of him for saying that because it's completely true. Cody Bruns set about a bajillion records while at Prosser High School, including setting the Washinton State mark for career touchdowns (72), career catches (310) and career yards (5,178). Those totals rank, respectievly, 3rd, 2nd and 2nd NATIONALLY all-time.

Seriously, think about that for a second. How many people play high school football? Just about every NBA, MLB and NFL Hall of Famer did and none of them, not Jerry Rice, Allen Iverson or Rollie Fingers came close to the 38th ranked WR in the class of 2008.

Why was Bruns 38th/why in the world would he sign with the UW Huskies if he was so legit? Well, because the dude is tiny. I'm talking 5-11/168 tiny.

Still, the news of his signing pumped me up. Finally, UW had a protypical "WHITE SLOT RECIEVER" for Jake to throw to. I mean, if this guy played in Boston, they'd probably like him more than one of the greatest recievers of all time but not because he was white, you know, but because he hustles and is gritty WHICH HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH RACE SO STOP IT JUST STOP IT OK?!

Who cares if Bruns is tiny? That's what a redshirt year is for. Get him huge. Get him jacked. No way does he see the field in 2008. Build for the future.

And by future, I mean, when you're already down 34-7 to Arizona in a game that means absolutely nothing. Ty, you are a genius. Put him in during the 3rd quarter of the 5th game of the season, down 27, but only for 3 plays after eight other WRs have already been used. Burn that redshirt like it was a book promoting free speech.

At least Bruns will get to see a lot of action this season. He'll see a lot of balls thrown his way, get used to the speed and the physicality of the college game. It will be a trial by fire!

Wait, what did you say, Mr. Willingham? Bruns played ZERO snaps vs. Oregon State because he "hurt his hammy"? Oh, ok. How about you kick him in the balls next week? That way we'll hit the trifecta.

Reason #22: The Tampa Bay Rays

The Tampa Bay Rays are an emblem of all that is good in baseball. If you didn't cheer like mad for them to get the Red Sox, you should check in with a doctor because you might not have a heart. With that said...

Rays: Founded 1998, made WS in 2008
Diamondbacks: Founded 1998, made WS in 2001
Marlins: Founded 1993, made WS in 1997
Rockies: Founded 1993, made WS in 2007
Blue Jays: Founded 1977, made WS in 1992

Now that Tampa has made ESPN executives cry by eliminating the Red Socked ones and moving on to play for the 'world' championship, every expansion team since the Mariners were founded has made it to the World Series already. Three of those teams won it all, two won it all twice. Seattle has never been.

Mariners: Founded 1977, made WS in 2077

***EDIT***

Reason #21: The 2008 Seattle Seahawks

The old logo is so sad...and appropriate

Let's play a fun game AND make a new top ten. This time the theme is...

You know your favorite NFL team sucks when...

1. You start a quarterback the Cleveland Browns didn't want
   
2. You're so desperate that you re-sign a WR you cut for character issues who, a year after being released, led the police on a high-speed car chase. WHILE DRUNK.
   
3. Your franchise QB makes this commercial and you wonder if it still happens to him in Seattle:
4. Your roster looks like some kid got on Madden and renamed all of the players after some of his buddies.
5. The Arizona Cardinals are going to win your division.
6. Your head coach looks like a walrus.
   
7. Your secondary proves that Jason Sehorn did not kill off the endangered species known as The White Safety
8. It seems logical that Deion Branch's next injury will come from rolling out of bed or trying to change a tire.
   
9. Texas A&M doesn't even want the 12th Man back anymore.
   
10. Bill Simmons writes about how bad you are...and then apologizes because it's like kicking a puppy at this point. A very ugly and crippled puppy.
    

Reason #20: Scott Spiezio

Oh this one is just too easy.

Scott Spiezio will be remembered for, among other things, being the biggest tool in Mariners history. In 8 months as an M, he managed 4 home runs and racked up a sub - .200 batting average, causing baseball statisticians to consider renaming baseball's benchmark of batting futility the Spiezioza Line. He came from Anaheim where he'd won a World Series, sucked in Safeco for a spell, and went off to St. Louis to win another Series. Oh, yeah - while in St. Louis, he did this.

That's right - deciding that growing out a big ol' soul patch wasn't offensive enough, and didn't accurately display his personality, Spiezio decided to dye it red to match his team colors. I suppose if you're going to have a giant tattoo of a stripper on your arm, you might as well go all out when it comes to style and taste. Or rather, complete and utter lack of style and taste.

Scott Spiezio, I salute you, and by salute I mean 'I hope to never have to see your face, soul patch or tattoo in real life, because I'll probably start laughing uncontrollably and possibly hurt my sides."

Reason #19: The Mitchell Report

My main finding: Bud Selig did not take HGH.

If you weren't doing steroids in the '90s, you weren't trying.

Who was the biggest name Mariner named in the Mitchell Report? David Segui. Who? Exactly. Other than fatty extraordinaire Ron Villone, he was the only one putting in an effort to get the M's to the promised land. Forget your health and your testicles, somethings, like a World Series Ring, are far more important.

Maybe I could swallow this lack of effort if I didn't feel...I guess the word I'm looking for is shafted. I'm wearing a man's jersey right now as I type this, a man who, in the words of Yung Jeezy, put in on for my city. Gosh darn it, it's time you got some cred. Stand up and take a bow!

Yummmmmm, I just love frosted tips. Bret Boone, you changed my fanhood forever. I believed in you. If weightlifting could help you put up 37 homers and 141 RBIs in 2001, then surely it could help me hit a few more out of the park, and by out of the park, I mean liners in the gap that kept rolling because my Little League fields didn't always have fences, thank you very much.

It turns out countless (3 sets of 25) pushups don't turn you into a 6 foot tall twelve year old. And turns out you juiced, no matter what some crotchety old man says. Now when I wear this American League All-Star jersey, you remind me of how I really am...and that's constantly pissed off. TAKE IT AWAY NICKELBACK!

Reason #18: The Mariners Tugboat

Ladies and gentlemen, I've figured it out. The mind-boggling streak of futility that our favorite baseball team is on is not due to incompetent ownership and executives. It isn't due to not understanding how important team defense is, or that you can acquire good pitching without spending stupid money in free agency, or that getting on base via a walk is actually an ok thing to do. (I'm looking at you, Yuni.) No, all these years, we've been lacking one precious ingredient that will surely catapult us to the World Series.

A bullpen car shaped like a tugboat.

What were we THINKING when we made that beautiful thing go away? Who made that decision, the same guy who gives Eric Bedard advice on dealing with the media? The Mariners tugboat must return, people. JJ Putz will only return to form when he is loaded into that little barge, and delivered to the mound to the sound of 'Thunderstruck' and thousands of fans cheering. Just think how much fresher his legs will be! It's even got an American flag, so nobody will accuse us Seattleites of being unpatriotic. The Mariners Tugboat is clearly the best idea in the history of ever.

Reason #17: Jordan Farmar

Oops.
There we go.

Really, I got no beef with Jordan Farmar, the man who flaps his ears to dunk. Without him, I would have never known the joy that came from this:


Even though the Huskies have had more talented (2005) and seriously just straight up better teams (2006), UCLA has been able to get over the hump and into the Final Four, oh, I don't know, every single freakin' year while UW cannot and will not get past the Sweet Sixteen. Ever. If you can't do it with with this guy holding down the boards, you never will.

I love you, Zane.

Reason #16: Rodney Stuckey

I'm a huge, huge fan of Rodney Stuckey. I watched him play for Kentwood in high school at a holiday basketball tournament and was incredibly excited for his future as a college baller. Dude was just way outclassing everyone else on the court. Coach Lorenzo Romar of UW was interested in him, he was interested in UW. He would team up with the remainder of a solid Huskies team and lead them back to the NCAA tournament. At least, that's what I thought.

Rodney Stuckey enrolled at Eastern Washington. Apparently Stuckey wasn't the brightest crayon in the box, because he couldn't get the grades necessary to get him into the UW and a Huskies uniform. Now, it's hard to be mad about this - how can you blame UW for having high academic standards? Regardless, this isn't something that's going to go away. The Huskies will miss out on some of the top prospects due to non-basketball reasons. That's just the way it goes. But damn, could we have used a guy talented enough to be the #15 pick in the NBA draft.

Since the NBA is dead to us in Seattle, the only way Stuckey will become relevant again is if he starts a blog. Maybe he could take some advice from Buffalo RB Marshawn Lynch on his literary career. I quote from Lynches blog: "i cant find da words to say how happy i am 4 beatin dem bay boys da 1st time i played dem. it was a fun and hella close game... shots out 2 j roc" jamarcus russell" and darren mcfadden. town biz! lol" Perhaps Stuckey can follow in Lynches footsteps. He clearly has the intellect to do it.

Reason #15: John Halama

If you point that finger at me one more time, John Halama, I WILL BITE IT OFF!

John Halama had one talent that allowed him to be a Major League baseball player and that talent was pissing me off. No, seriously, I'm not sure how this guy cut it in the majors. Let me make an completely arbitrary gut-call here and say that unlike the wise sage, Jamie Moyer, who throws soft because his huge brain weighs him down too much to throw 90+ mph, John Halama made a choice to throw like yo mama after I work her out. Yeah, I went there. After our "bullpen sessions", I make yo mama throw a mid-80s sinking fastball with nasty movement and a nice 12-6 curve.

The main thing I remember about John Halama is that he once said baseball was a job and that's all it meant to him. I feel that is a pretty good attitude for a garbage man...ahem...sanitation specialist but if you get paid to play a sport for a living, even if it's one you hate like bocci ball, it's probably a good idea to keep your mouth shut since there are about a million people that would cut off their little toe to switch with you.

At least he was a real friendly guy. Here's an interview transcript with him:

Q. How have you done against the Yankees in the past?

JOHN HALAMA: You guys have the statistics. Look at them.

Q. Did you come to Yankee Stadium --

JOHN HALAMA: No.

Q. Never?

JOHN HALAMA: Never came to Yankee Stadium. Went to one Met game my whole life.

Q. Where did you live in Brooklyn?

JOHN HALAMA: I live in Brooklyn.

Q. Where?

JOHN HALAMA: It's irrelevant.

I feel ya, John. I hate when reporters try to do their job. Too bad you sucked at yours.

Reason #14: Rally Fries

A theme of the Mariners over the years is a tendency to let potentially good and intelligent ideas hang around so long that they lose whatever value they had and become stupid and unnecessary. Such is the case with the rally fries.

The rally fry 'phenomenon' began when during a game at Safeco Field last June, one particularly ambitious fan along the baseline tried to grab a foul ball but spilled his fries on the field in the process. The Mariner broadcasters Dave Sims and Mike Blowers, taking pity on this person, had a presumably unpaid intern bring the fan free fries. It was a nice gesture, and amusing for all watching on TV. The next night, a fan brought a sign asking for free fries as well. The broadcasters thought this was amusing, sent them free french fries and everyone got another good laugh. If it had ended here, everything would have been just fine.

But it kept going.

It turned into an every-game thing, and for a week or two that was kind of cool - kind of. By August, it was old. By September, it was stupid. By next July, it was still going and still stupid. Painfully idiotic signs and costumes were being rewarded with free four-dollar fries. Hopefully the rally fries phenomenon can die a long-overdue death over this winter, along with the Mariners policy of signing exclusively crappy veteran players.

Don't think it's a big deal? Here are some of the most recent atrocities to have been awarded free fries. The problem is clear.

Reason #13: David Arias

The name doesn't ring a bell? Perhaps you know him better as...

DAVID MOTHERFING ORTIZ
Career Stats:
BA: .287
HRs: 289
RBIs: 969

But back in the day before he changed his name, he was just a Player to Be Named Later in a trade for 28 games worth of this guy...

DAVE MOTHERFING HOLLINS

Still not even close to the worst Mariners trade of my lifetime...

Reason #12: Giorgio Chinaglia

We're getting on the way back machine for this one. We're going back to a time when everything was funky, the Mariners barely existed, and Rod Stewart had the number 1 song in America. Let's go back to 1977... and the glory days of the North American Soccer League.

For those of you that don't recognize the smiling face on the left, shame on you. That would be Edson Arantes do Nascimento, more commonly known as Pele, the Brazilian widely considered the greatest soccer player of all time. To say that he was soccer's Michael Jordan is flattering MJ. In 1977, Pele was finishing his final year of 3 with the New York Cosmos, who had imported many of the greatest soccer players of the day - Franz Beckenbauer, Chinaglia, Carlos Alberto. The Cosmos were a force to be reckoned with, and cruised into the Soccer Bowl championship match with all the confidence in the world, and a serious mission - to send Pele off into retirement with the championship that had thus far eluded him.

Of course, their opponents in the Soccer Bowl would be the Seattle Sounders. Led by rookie of the year Jimmy McAllister and a whole bunch of players you've probably never heard of, the Sounders squeaked into the playoffs with a 14-12 record. They were good, no question - they beat England side Chelsea in a match that year. Playing in the Kingdome and drawing bigger crowds than a very bad expansion Mariners team, the Sounders - a soccer team in America - were the hot ticket of the town. And they stayed hot through the playoffs, all the way to the final. It may have seemed destined to be a Cosmos victory, but the Sounders ignored the stars - they wanted to bring Seattle a championship.

Since this is Seattle, of course, the final would not go as well as the team hoped. A brain-fart mistake by the Sounders keeper gifted the Cosmos an early goal, but Seattle would tie the match. With time running out and the penalty shootout in sight - at which point the championship would be up for grabs - fate intervened. Giorgio Chinaglia, the brilliant Italian striker loved by the Cosmos fans and reviled by those from every other city, headed in a cross to put the Cosmos up 2-1, which would be the winning margin. Chinaglia would later go on to ruin the Italian team SS Lazio and later be arrested for money laundering. Little punk.

It was a storybook finish - the multicultural, attacking New York side winning it for their retiring star, defeating the defensive-minded, predominately white and English Sounders.

Unless, of course, the reader of the storybook was a Seattle citizen.

Reason #11: A Word From Our Sponsors

And by sponsors, I mean a fellow irate Seattle sports fan. If you'd like to sound off on something, or a lot of things, that are getting your goat having to do with that top left corner of the United States, send it to seattlesports206@gmail.com. I may read it or I may just send it Spike Lee to prove how racist you are (THAT'S THE ONLY REASON ANYONE LIKES WILLIE BLOOMQUIST...IT'S WHITE GUY HUSTLE SYNDROME)

Anyways, Meet Tone. Tone looks like this:
Err...

Yeah, that's probably more appropriate considering Tone's thoughts on Seattle sports. Just hold on, buddy.

Here it goes:

Tone on how he feels about the state of Seattle Sports:

There’s a reason that my favorite athletes don’t play in Seattle. There’s a reason that I’ve spent the past six years of my life following Duke basketball more passionately than the Sonics, Seahawks, and Mariners combined. It’s that deep down, we know that once the newest superstar emerges, it is just a matter of time before he leaves the Emereald City, and heads somewhere that gives a ****.

Anybody that comes to Seattle to play knows that this is the environment. They know that if they start winning, they will get some support, but when it goes south, expect the upper bowl of Key Arena to be vacant barring Friday night, when they bus in what seems to be every public high school for a discounted price and a slot on the Jumbotron when they introduce the groups in attendance.

(Sorry, Tone. No swearing. Can't have little kids telling Howard Lincoln to shove his **** up his own ***)

Tone on getting his heart broken:

I remember the day. I always will. February 10th, 2000. My dad told me the news that morning when I woke up. “Junior got traded to the Reds,” he said. I couldn’t believe it. Junior had saved baseball in Seattle just five years ago, and had had a stadium built FOR HIM less than 8 months earlier. But, he couldn’t be convinced. He was 10 and 5 and could veto/demand a trade to anywhere he desired. We had lost the greatest athlete our city had ever seen and likely the greatest athlete we will ever see in our lifetime.

Some say that there was no way you could have held on to Junior at the time. “He wanted to go home!” Bull****. “He wanted to be close to his family!’ Bull****. “He wanted to play for a contender!” Double-Bull****! You want to know why Junior left? He was tired of dealing with our city and the attitude we have towards our sports teams. “But Tone, what are you talking about? Remember 1995? Remember 2001? And look at Qwest Field!!! We have one of the loudest stadiums in the NFL!” ’95 and ’01 are perfect examples of why players don’t want to stay here. They see what we can be as a city, if we support our teams.

But then when you take a look at SAFECO field this year, while the M’s are trailing the Angels, in mid-July, by more than 20 games, and its hard to pick out the fans among the seats, that’s when our true colors shine through. When the two “hip” 35 year old, six figure earning, triple caramel macchiato drinking, Gucci shade wearing, ******* sit down in front of me in the bottom of the 2nd, and leave in the top of the 5th because they “just wanted to view the architecture of the stadium” it draws an accurate picture of what the Seattle fan is deep down. In all honesty, 90% of the people that attend Seattle sporting events, particularly Mariner games, could give a flying **** if the M’s win or lose. They just want to make sure they beat traffic after the game so they can head to Thumpers in time for a cold beer and a cute boy to look at.

Tone on Ichiro:

“Ok fine Tone, but what about Ichiro!?!? He’s been here for 8 years now and has been one of the best players in the game and is signed through 2012.” Here is what I have to say about Ichiro. I could give a rat’s ass about him because he could give a rat’s ass about the Win and Loss column. I am glad to say that I have not been blinded by his Zen and massive douchery that he exhibits on a yearly basis. The reason Ichiro doesn’t have any inclination to leave is because he has no inclination to win, or to exert any energy in order to win a ballgame. The guy is one of the most talented players to ever wear a Mariner’s jersey, but that jersey has never once been dirtied due to a headfirst slide. That’s right, go look through the archives and find me a clip of Ichrio Suzuki, a man making 18 million dollars a year, which is 3 million a month, which is 750,000 dollars a week, and the guy won’t lay out for his pitcher or the other 24 guys on the club or any of the now 5 managers he has played under in just 8 years.

Any coincidence that this team has plummeted since he has shown up in 2001? Don’t tell me we set a single year record for wins because of the Japanese right fielder who tugs on his shirt every now and then. Sure he was A.L. MVP, but he has put up numbers like that in years where we **** the bed. We won 116 games that year because of gritty guys like Brett Boone, David Bell, Mark McLemore, and maybe the greatest Mariner of all time other than Edgar or Dave Niehaus, Lou Piniella. Ichiro DOES NOT COUNT BECAUSE HE DOES NOT CARE! HE’S JUST AS BAD AS THOSE GUYS WHO CAME JUST FOR THE ARCHITECUTRE…ICHIRO JUST COMES FOR HIS 2-5 with a blooper and an infield single and then he goes home to play his Nintendo Wii.

Tone on being a closet racist...um, I mean, his closing thoughts (Just kidding, Tone...or am I?):

Now would be a good time for me to win back anybody who thinks I’m an anti-Seattle douchebag. I won’t deny the douchebag part, but the anti-Seattle thing I can contest. I love the city. And I think every athlete I’ve mentioned that has played here, would agree that this is one of the nicest places they have ever lived. But when it comes to our fanhood, we are horrendous. And it translates to our inability to hold onto the guys that have shaped this city’s sports history.

For people my age, Ken Griffey Junior was quite possibly the greatest part of our childhood. I know it’s hard to remember, but in the NBA there was Jordan, and in baseball, there was Junior. And the fact that he played in my backyard made me feel like I was special. And it’s a goddamn shame that he has spent the past 8 years getting injured in Cincinnati. We got to see the greatest player at his position in our generation but we didn’t get to grow old with him. We saw him young, and now we have to watch him, old, and wearing the number 17, rather than the number 24, which he single handedly made the coolest number ever. Ken Griffey Jr., or even Alex Rodriguez, could have been our Ted Williams, our Yogi Berra, Our Michael Jordan.

It’s too bad we ruined our chances. These guys don’t come around all the time. And now that we are down to just 2 professional franchises it makes finding “that guy” even harder. And unless God comes down and blesses us with a miracle by turning Wladimir Ballentin into the next Manny Ramirez, I don’t see anybody in our near future with the ability to become “that guy”. It’s time for us to get our act together. I don’t want to lose Junior again.

Amen, Brother, Amen.

Reason #10: WIllie Bloomquist

Occasionally there are things that rise to incredible heights of popularity when they obviously don't deserve it. Maybe these things or people are above-average at what they do, but not fantastic by any means - yet many, many people love them and worship them for no good reason. I call this the Dane Cook syndrome.
Admittedly, it isn't fair to William Bloomquist to lump him with such a hack as Cook. But the analogy fits - he is the favorite of many a casual Mariners fan, but his performance over the years has done nothing to justify this. He is a fast, decent fielding, poor hitting utility player who thinks he should be a starter. (He shouldn't - .260 with no power and meh defense does not a starter make.) The problem here isn't that Bloomquist is an awful player - he isn't, and he is quite good at his role - but that so many fans are incapable of seeing his true talent level. They are simply enamored by his grit and hustle. (Gristle?)

The Mariners front office, which is notorious for loving fan favorites and being poor judges of baseball talent, thus have placed a much higher value on Bloomquist and other 'scrappy' type players than they should. That probably led them to the ridiculous signing of Miguel Cairo last off-season. Bad idea. In short, the Mariners philosophy is messed up as long as they put a higher priority on retaining fan-friendly favorites than acquiring players with talent. Milton Bradley is a notoriously difficult and bad-PR guy, but he can hit the crap out of a baseball. I'd rather have him than 5 Willie Bloomquists, and I don't think the Mariners would. That's scary.

Among Bloomquists various nicknames are Wee Willie, Willie Broomstick, Willie F***ing Bloomquist (or just WFB), Willie Ballgame, and The Ignitor. Those are not the nicknames of a superstar baseball player. Backyard Baseball, maybe. (Angels broadcaster Rex Hudler loves the guy and calls him The Mighty Bloomquist, but Rex Hudler has the IQ of a sponge cake so I don't care what he thinks.)

Willie Bloomquist is not a star, nor should he be treated like one. But as a wise man once said, we should all have a little Willie Bloomquist in us.

Reason #9: Those Pesky Arizona Stadium Winds

Oh, how I curse you, Aeolus, The Greek God of Winds. How I wish a million deaths upon you, for you and you alone, caused the University of Washington Huskies to get PALINized (New verb: means to completely lose all credibility), or if you hate my liberal spin, O.J.ed (Awaiting being sentenced to life in jail or in this case, a 1-11 season.)

When asked at halftime, down 31-7, if field position had been a factor, Fearless Leader Willingham took accountability for the awful play and...oh wait, nevermind, he didn't.

"Field position and the wind because we could never get ourselves out of a hole with our special teams and we kept giving them field position ... we had two good stops but we couldn't get ourselves gathered enough to change it.''

Here's the crazy thing about football. Every quarter, YOU SWITCH SIDES OF THE FIELD! But I I guess Aeolus and his buddies thought it would be funny to change the wind direction every 25-30 minutes, so you know, Arizona wouldn't have to deal with it. That was the problem, not that Arizona QB Willie Tuitama got sacked three times simply because he just couldn't quite remember which of his teammates who he owed the next touchdown pass to.

At least Aeolus gave Willingham a message from Husky nation:


Next week vs. Oregon State: Neptune floods the field! Willingham builds ark that leaks and averages giving up 44 points a game! He remembers to get two of everything except recruits that can actually play!

Reason #8: Shishkaberries

It's a shish-kabob! But with berries! Berries and possibly other fruits dipped in chocolate and nuts! How could this possibly go wrong?
Oh, yeah - one of these bad boys will run you 5 dollars within the confines of Safeco Field. Now, look at the above picture. How many pieces of fruit are speared on each stick? Thats right - 5. After applying my vast knowledge of calculus to this problem, I can determine that that works out to 1 dollar per berry. 1. Dollar. Per berry. Each berry costs a dollar. One dollar is required for the purchase of a solitary strawberry.

People, this is why we're in an economic crisis - banks lending out money they don't even have so customers can run around willy-nilly throwing stacks of money off of bridges and paying a dollar for a strawberry. And I'm not gonna stand for it. It's time for a change. Vote for making shishkaberries yourself at home and saving like 13 thousand dollars in the process. Yes we can! Yes we can!

Reason #7: John Henderson

If only this was happening in the Seahawks' Locker Room...



GOD DAYMN!

Reason #6: The Oregon Ducks

Nobody likes the Ducks. And it's not just because they frequently have a football team that wins a lot of games. There's just something about them and the way they get Nike money poured into their school, causing all their fans to think that they're the greatest thing since bacon-wrapped meatloaf. Or it could be their easily loatheable mascot. On top of that, they - hang on, there's a really bright light or something, I don't know what it is, but - AAAH MY EYESWhew - good thing that wasn't a bigger picture or I might have permanent retinal damage.

Anyways, the Ducks recently were responsible for costing the Huskies a shot at the national title, and Seattle one of its best shots at the championship it is doomed never to have. You know the year - the 2000 season, the run to the Rose Bowl where they stomped Purdue, Marques Tuiasosopo's elevation from Seattle sports minor deity into full-fledged god. The one loss in that otherwise charmed season was at the hands of the Phil Knight Ducks. The Huskies were down 7 with the ball with 2 minutes to go, and were obviously going to drive the length of the field to score and then win in overtime. But the normally unflappable Tuiasosopo, clearly disoriented by the giant haze of marijuana smoke floating in from Eugene's many hippie camps, threw 4 straight incompletions to seal the loss. And that was that.


Put duck legs, skin sides up, on rack of a broiler pan, then pour 1 cup water into bottom of pan. Brush or spoon about half of glaze over skin side of duck. Roast duck until well browned, about 20 minutes. Turn on broiler. Brush duck with remaining glaze, then broil 3 to 4 inches from heat until skin is bubbling and lightly charred around edges, about 2 minutes more. Keep warm, covered.

Bitter? Me? Naaaaaaah.

Reason #5: The SAFECO Field Bullpens

It's simple:

+

=

Sadly, whoever designed the SAFECO Field bullpens never thought of this.

• Bar out in left field...CHECK
  
• Only a chainlink fence between some ornery baseball players and some drunks...CHECK
• Promote the experience as family fun...CHECK
  

Cover little Jimmy's ears when it begins, the rowdy shouting every time Tim Hudson/Johan Santana/Josh Beckett/Tim Lincecum (DIE BILL BAVASI DIE) starts his leg kick out in the pen.

"AHH!"
"WOO!"
"WHOA!"

And every time the warm-up pitch is a ball, high fives are in order! All around! Even if he threw a strike, gimme me some! Because, as all us true Mariners fans know, Kenji Jojiamiadklsfjas would have totally hit the stuffing right out of that meatball.

Whenever I visit and eat my Ichirolls (That's some darn good sushi for those uneducated about the finer delicacies of SAFECO) while observing all this, I can't help but wish to explain to the gathered crowd that a) as a professional athlete, Tim Hudson could probably William Tell any of these gentleman from the regulation 60 feet 6 inches or b) that heckling is an art and at that, an art not yet learned by most Seattle fans.

And really, do we need to give any opposing pitcher more motivation to shut down one of the worst lineups in baseball?



...




HELL YEAH WE DO!

AHHHHH! WOOO! WHOA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!