Reason #18: The Mariners Tugboat

Ladies and gentlemen, I've figured it out. The mind-boggling streak of futility that our favorite baseball team is on is not due to incompetent ownership and executives. It isn't due to not understanding how important team defense is, or that you can acquire good pitching without spending stupid money in free agency, or that getting on base via a walk is actually an ok thing to do. (I'm looking at you, Yuni.) No, all these years, we've been lacking one precious ingredient that will surely catapult us to the World Series.

A bullpen car shaped like a tugboat.

What were we THINKING when we made that beautiful thing go away? Who made that decision, the same guy who gives Eric Bedard advice on dealing with the media? The Mariners tugboat must return, people. JJ Putz will only return to form when he is loaded into that little barge, and delivered to the mound to the sound of 'Thunderstruck' and thousands of fans cheering. Just think how much fresher his legs will be! It's even got an American flag, so nobody will accuse us Seattleites of being unpatriotic. The Mariners Tugboat is clearly the best idea in the history of ever.