Reason #28: Charlie Weis

Nice knowin' ya, Ty.

So you thought you'd seen the worst pass. Surely UW had to be headed toward some sort of rebound, with a embarrassing record of 0-6 and a big game - if a winless team can have one - against Notre Dame. Maybe they wouldn't win, but it had to be close, right? It would be a game for the UW football team to gain an iota of respect, putting them at exactly one iota.

By the third quarter, with the Huskies trailing 24-o and with under 50 total yards of offense, that goal had flew out the window. All there was left was to try and avoid getting completely humiliated. But the Huskies, a team in decline faster than the stock market, couldn't manage that either. On 4th and 13, and Notre Dame with the ball in their own friggin territory, head coach Charlie Weis decided to stab a knife into the UW gut. More like a pin into the UW pincushion, actually, since there have been several already stabbed in.

Weis called for the fake punt, and after it went for 30 something yards - inevitable, really - UW bowed their heads in shame yet again. They had been handed the ultimate disrespect, and they took it. It was the crap cherry on the crap ice cream sundae of a season.

Here's a catchy slogan. UW football '08: There Is No Floor.

Reason #24: Hiroshi Yamauchi

Ah, Mr. Hiroshi Yamauchi. Can I call you Yama?
I'll take that as a yes. So, Yama, I don't want to sound ungrateful here, my man. After all, you did purchase majority control of the Mariners in '92 and helped keep the team from jetting off to Florida or some place. And you did a ton of great stuff for Nintendo in the 80's and early 90's - I've got you to thank for Donkey Kong becoming a smash hit.

But Yama, would it kill you to come to a game of the team you own once in a while? Ok, how about once - ever? No? Can't do it? Dude, you're like the 150th richest person in the world, and you can't hop a plane across the Pacific to catch a game. I mean, you could buy a team of dolphins and have them tow you to Seattle on a chocolate raft if you wanted. So what's the deal?

And if you aren't that interested in the Mariners - alright, can't blame ya there, given the last 5 years - what's up with the Kenji Johjima signing? 3 years, 24 million for a oldish bad hitting, meh defense catcher - when our best hitting prospects play the same position. Now, I know Bill Bavasi trying to make big signings is about as intelligent as Napoleon trying to invade Russia. But even he wouldn't have signed Johjima on his own. So how about, when we get Jack Z as our new GM, you let him stick to baseball and you stick to counting your piles of money, alright? Thanks Yama, I knew you'd understand.

Reason #14: Rally Fries

A theme of the Mariners over the years is a tendency to let potentially good and intelligent ideas hang around so long that they lose whatever value they had and become stupid and unnecessary. Such is the case with the rally fries.

The rally fry 'phenomenon' began when during a game at Safeco Field last June, one particularly ambitious fan along the baseline tried to grab a foul ball but spilled his fries on the field in the process. The Mariner broadcasters Dave Sims and Mike Blowers, taking pity on this person, had a presumably unpaid intern bring the fan free fries. It was a nice gesture, and amusing for all watching on TV. The next night, a fan brought a sign asking for free fries as well. The broadcasters thought this was amusing, sent them free french fries and everyone got another good laugh. If it had ended here, everything would have been just fine.

But it kept going.

It turned into an every-game thing, and for a week or two that was kind of cool - kind of. By August, it was old. By September, it was stupid. By next July, it was still going and still stupid. Painfully idiotic signs and costumes were being rewarded with free four-dollar fries. Hopefully the rally fries phenomenon can die a long-overdue death over this winter, along with the Mariners policy of signing exclusively crappy veteran players.

Don't think it's a big deal? Here are some of the most recent atrocities to have been awarded free fries. The problem is clear.

Reason #8: Shishkaberries

It's a shish-kabob! But with berries! Berries and possibly other fruits dipped in chocolate and nuts! How could this possibly go wrong?
Oh, yeah - one of these bad boys will run you 5 dollars within the confines of Safeco Field. Now, look at the above picture. How many pieces of fruit are speared on each stick? Thats right - 5. After applying my vast knowledge of calculus to this problem, I can determine that that works out to 1 dollar per berry. 1. Dollar. Per berry. Each berry costs a dollar. One dollar is required for the purchase of a solitary strawberry.

People, this is why we're in an economic crisis - banks lending out money they don't even have so customers can run around willy-nilly throwing stacks of money off of bridges and paying a dollar for a strawberry. And I'm not gonna stand for it. It's time for a change. Vote for making shishkaberries yourself at home and saving like 13 thousand dollars in the process. Yes we can! Yes we can!

Reason #6: The Oregon Ducks

Nobody likes the Ducks. And it's not just because they frequently have a football team that wins a lot of games. There's just something about them and the way they get Nike money poured into their school, causing all their fans to think that they're the greatest thing since bacon-wrapped meatloaf. Or it could be their easily loatheable mascot. On top of that, they - hang on, there's a really bright light or something, I don't know what it is, but - AAAH MY EYESWhew - good thing that wasn't a bigger picture or I might have permanent retinal damage.

Anyways, the Ducks recently were responsible for costing the Huskies a shot at the national title, and Seattle one of its best shots at the championship it is doomed never to have. You know the year - the 2000 season, the run to the Rose Bowl where they stomped Purdue, Marques Tuiasosopo's elevation from Seattle sports minor deity into full-fledged god. The one loss in that otherwise charmed season was at the hands of the Phil Knight Ducks. The Huskies were down 7 with the ball with 2 minutes to go, and were obviously going to drive the length of the field to score and then win in overtime. But the normally unflappable Tuiasosopo, clearly disoriented by the giant haze of marijuana smoke floating in from Eugene's many hippie camps, threw 4 straight incompletions to seal the loss. And that was that.


Put duck legs, skin sides up, on rack of a broiler pan, then pour 1 cup water into bottom of pan. Brush or spoon about half of glaze over skin side of duck. Roast duck until well browned, about 20 minutes. Turn on broiler. Brush duck with remaining glaze, then broil 3 to 4 inches from heat until skin is bubbling and lightly charred around edges, about 2 minutes more. Keep warm, covered.

Bitter? Me? Naaaaaaah.