Anyways, Meet Tone. Tone looks like this:
Err...
Yeah, that's probably more appropriate considering Tone's thoughts on Seattle sports. Just hold on, buddy.Here it goes:
Tone on how he feels about the state of Seattle Sports:
There’s a reason that my favorite athletes don’t play in Seattle. There’s a reason that I’ve spent the past six years of my life following Duke basketball more passionately than the Sonics, Seahawks, and Mariners combined. It’s that deep down, we know that once the newest superstar emerges, it is just a matter of time before he leaves the Emereald City, and heads somewhere that gives a ****.
Anybody that comes to Seattle to play knows that this is the environment. They know that if they start winning, they will get some support, but when it goes south, expect the upper bowl of Key Arena to be vacant barring Friday night, when they bus in what seems to be every public high school for a discounted price and a slot on the Jumbotron when they introduce the groups in attendance.
(Sorry, Tone. No swearing. Can't have little kids telling Howard Lincoln to shove his **** up his own ***)
Tone on getting his heart broken:
I remember the day. I always will. February 10th, 2000. My dad told me the news that morning when I woke up. “Junior got traded to the Reds,” he said. I couldn’t believe it. Junior had saved baseball in Seattle just five years ago, and had had a stadium built FOR HIM less than 8 months earlier. But, he couldn’t be convinced. He was 10 and 5 and could veto/demand a trade to anywhere he desired. We had lost the greatest athlete our city had ever seen and likely the greatest athlete we will ever see in our lifetime.
Some say that there was no way you could have held on to Junior at the time. “He wanted to go home!” Bull****. “He wanted to be close to his family!’ Bull****. “He wanted to play for a contender!” Double-Bull****! You want to know why Junior left? He was tired of dealing with our city and the attitude we have towards our sports teams. “But Tone, what are you talking about? Remember 1995? Remember 2001? And look at Qwest Field!!! We have one of the loudest stadiums in the NFL!” ’95 and ’01 are perfect examples of why players don’t want to stay here. They see what we can be as a city, if we support our teams.
But then when you take a look at SAFECO field this year, while the M’s are trailing the Angels, in mid-July, by more than 20 games, and its hard to pick out the fans among the seats, that’s when our true colors shine through. When the two “hip” 35 year old, six figure earning, triple caramel macchiato drinking, Gucci shade wearing, ******* sit down in front of me in the bottom of the 2nd, and leave in the top of the 5th because they “just wanted to view the architecture of the stadium” it draws an accurate picture of what the Seattle fan is deep down. In all honesty, 90% of the people that attend Seattle sporting events, particularly Mariner games, could give a flying **** if the M’s win or lose. They just want to make sure they beat traffic after the game so they can head to Thumpers in time for a cold beer and a cute boy to look at.
Tone on Ichiro:
“Ok fine Tone, but what about Ichiro!?!? He’s been here for 8 years now and has been one of the best players in the game and is signed through 2012.” Here is what I have to say about Ichiro. I could give a rat’s ass about him because he could give a rat’s ass about the Win and Loss column. I am glad to say that I have not been blinded by his Zen and massive douchery that he exhibits on a yearly basis. The reason Ichiro doesn’t have any inclination to leave is because he has no inclination to win, or to exert any energy in order to win a ballgame. The guy is one of the most talented players to ever wear a Mariner’s jersey, but that jersey has never once been dirtied due to a headfirst slide. That’s right, go look through the archives and find me a clip of Ichrio Suzuki, a man making 18 million dollars a year, which is 3 million a month, which is 750,000 dollars a week, and the guy won’t lay out for his pitcher or the other 24 guys on the club or any of the now 5 managers he has played under in just 8 years.
Any coincidence that this team has plummeted since he has shown up in 2001? Don’t tell me we set a single year record for wins because of the Japanese right fielder who tugs on his shirt every now and then. Sure he was A.L. MVP, but he has put up numbers like that in years where we **** the bed. We won 116 games that year because of gritty guys like Brett Boone, David Bell, Mark McLemore, and maybe the greatest Mariner of all time other than Edgar or Dave Niehaus, Lou Piniella. Ichiro DOES NOT COUNT BECAUSE HE DOES NOT CARE! HE’S JUST AS BAD AS THOSE GUYS WHO CAME JUST FOR THE ARCHITECUTRE…ICHIRO JUST COMES FOR HIS 2-5 with a blooper and an infield single and then he goes home to play his Nintendo Wii.
Tone on being a closet racist...um, I mean, his closing thoughts (Just kidding, Tone...or am I?):
Now would be a good time for me to win back anybody who thinks I’m an anti-Seattle douchebag. I won’t deny the douchebag part, but the anti-Seattle thing I can contest. I love the city. And I think every athlete I’ve mentioned that has played here, would agree that this is one of the nicest places they have ever lived. But when it comes to our fanhood, we are horrendous. And it translates to our inability to hold onto the guys that have shaped this city’s sports history.
For people my age, Ken Griffey Junior was quite possibly the greatest part of our childhood. I know it’s hard to remember, but in the NBA there was Jordan, and in baseball, there was Junior. And the fact that he played in my backyard made me feel like I was special. And it’s a goddamn shame that he has spent the past 8 years getting injured in Cincinnati. We got to see the greatest player at his position in our generation but we didn’t get to grow old with him. We saw him young, and now we have to watch him, old, and wearing the number 17, rather than the number 24, which he single handedly made the coolest number ever. Ken Griffey Jr., or even Alex Rodriguez, could have been our Ted Williams, our Yogi Berra, Our Michael Jordan.
It’s too bad we ruined our chances. These guys don’t come around all the time. And now that we are down to just 2 professional franchises it makes finding “that guy” even harder. And unless God comes down and blesses us with a miracle by turning Wladimir Ballentin into the next Manny Ramirez, I don’t see anybody in our near future with the ability to become “that guy”. It’s time for us to get our act together. I don’t want to lose Junior again.
Amen, Brother, Amen.
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