Reason #52: THE WORST YEAR EVER

Sometimes ESPN does our job for us...

Ho, Ho, Ho.

Wait...one more gift for your stocking.

And here's to 2009!

Reason #51: UConn

This is the state of Seattle sports right now. We can't even even adopt a team correctly.




Saturday afternoon, 16 thousand or so were in KeyArena to watch powerhouse Gonzaga take on powerhouse UConn. (Yeah, that's a sellout. Still think Seattle can't draw for basketball?) We've been driven to the point of adopting a team from Spokane, a team from leastern Washington, a team that spawned John Friggin Stockton. We've managed to swallow our collective pride and hope Josh Heytvelt can go beast mode on some poor backup forward. We've learned how to pronounce Jerheme Pargo. We've learned to appreciate the undeniable genius of Mark Few.



And in return, at the end of the biggest regular season game in Gonzaga's history, in the basketball heart of the Pacific Northwest, UConn stomps all over our poor little bandwagon faces.
A lucky shot from a UConn shooting guard tied the game, and also gave huge momentum to the Connecticut team who went on to win in overtime, leaving the Seattle fans to shake their heads wondering how their team failed to record a massive win.


Sound familiar? Like maybe it's happened before? Well, for those of you who haven't picked up the hint, this game was highly reminiscent of UW's Sweet Sixteen loss to UConn in the 2006 NCAA Tourney. Denham Brown hit a similarly lucky shot, killing the #1 seeded Huskies. Never mind the crap officiating and the fact that the #1 seeded team had to play in Washington DC. And seriously, Denham Brown? Last I heard he was playing ball in friggin North Dakota. Denham Brown ain't a basketball player, it's a type of jacket. Goddamn I hate UConn.

Reason #50: MYSTERY GUEST

The M's next signing?

Let's play a game. What player has...

a) Insulted a rival city to the point of saying that if he ever said he wanted to go there, he would punch himself in the face.

b) Pissed off his teammates to the point that they wanted to "knock him out"

c) Once declared it was nice to finally win for once after playing in a series of exhibitions, putting down the team that actually employees him.

d) Thinks himself to be a fashionista of the highest degree when he actually dresses like an absolute clown

THE ANSWER:

SIKE! It's this guy:
Now, let's get this straight. Ichiro the Player is the man. First ballot Hall of Famer. Set all sorts of records. Love him.

Ichiro the Teammate is a jerk. Seriously, if he did all the stuff he did and was either WHITE or BLACK, he would be the Sean Avery or the Terrell Owens of baseball. However, he gets a free pass because he "doesn't speak English."

Whoops. He totally does. It's not like every All-Star game he goes a profanity laced tirade for the entire American League locker room. It's not like he's been hiding behind an interpreter for close to ten years. The guy can speak English. It's naive and almost insulting to his intelligence to assume that he can't at this point.

So let's not make the title of this post, "Ichiro" but rather "Trade Ichiro." If the Mariners are in full rebuilding mode, then why keep this guy around? So he can be a bad influence on young players coming up? So he can further fraction the clubhouse? We aren't going to win anything anytime soon. It's time to blow things up completely a la the Florida Marlins in 1997 and amass as many prospects as possible.

Ichiro's trade value will never be higher than it is now. Let's pull together a Randy Johnson to the Astros type trade. Get the next Freddy Garcia, John Halama, Carlos Guillen. Make it happen, Captain Jay-Z of the sinking ship, U.S.S. Mariner (BLOG SHOUT-OUTTTTT). I'd rather go 60-102 with exciting young players than 75-87 with Ichrio. Both are wastes of seasons but at least one gives hope for the future.

Of course, Ichiro will never be traded, considering the ownership and all the Japanese tourists that make the pilgrimage every year to the right field of Safeco. Oh well. I do love me some Ichirolls. Yum Yum Yum.

Reason #49: 0

Oregon. I'm actually in Oregon, though I'm not attending the game. Family, friends and I are all wearing our purple prior to the season's opening kickoff. We're not expecting a win as we watch on tv, and our expectations are fulfilled. But that's alright. There's real, honest hope about this season of Washington Huskies football, and there's 11 more games to play. 0-1.

BYU. I'm in the stands, same corner of the west end zone I've been all my life. Same #25 purple jersey with the '01 Rose Bowl logo. The crowd is live for a big-name, highly ranked opponent, and there's the feeling that maybe, just maybe, we have a shot. The Huskies hang tight until the fourth quarter, then, down a TD, Jake Locker leads an improbable and miraculous two-minute drill, racing into the end zone with bare seconds remaining. He is then penalized for a natural reaction, an expression of joy, the life goes out of the team, the 35 yard extra-point is blocked, and the Huskies lose by one. Everyone is furious - rightfully so. But everyone still cares. 0-2.

Oklahoma. We come early, we tailgate. Same seats, same jersey. There's no belief in a win this time, but optimism is in the air. A decent performance will do wonders to boost confidence going in to the winnable games on the schedule. There is no decent performance. Just embarrasment. We're down 42-0 in the third quarter. For the first time I can remember, we exit the game early. Which is still better than the Huskies, who never bothered to show up at all. 0-3.

Notre Dame. Same seats, same jersey. Jake Locker is out for the season, the Huskies are in a tailspin, and the emotion of the BYU game is a distant memory. The fans and players are both going through the motions, and it shows. With the heart and soul of UW football on the sidelines, there's only one team on the field, and they aren't wearing purple. 0-7.

Arizona State. Same seats. Same jersey. Against a weak opponent, UW is surprisingly competant for a half until backup Ronnie Fouch completely loses his confidence, single-handedly throwing away any chance of a comeback. I begin to feel sorry for my dad. 22 years he's been in these seats, and this year - like many years - he's been to every game. How sad is this alleged football team compared to the championship team of '91? We leave early again. Nobody cares. 0-9.

Washington State. On TV. No jersey. Shame. It's the movable force against the resistable object. There's emotion again, but it's different. Bitter. Desperate. Wanting to be better than somebody. In the last few minutes, UW misses a 28 yard kick, WSU makes one from the same distance. Overtime. I note that I can make field goals from 28 yards. UW can't. In the second overtime, UW misses from 37 yards. WSU lines up for an attempt to win, also from 37 yards. I get up to leave. I know what's going to happen before it does. It does. 0-11.

California. Never has it been so certain that a football team has no chance of winning than UW did at Cal, last game of the season. I check the score anyways. Finding the broadcast online, I watch 3rd string Taylor Bean lead UW down the field for a touchdown. It's an impressive drive. I almost smile. The score is now 45 to 7. I turn it off to go do something else, anything else. 0-12.

Tyrone Willingham will not be around in Husky Stadium in 2009. I will. Same seats, same jersey. It's my duty, my obligation. Myself and my dad and thousands like us will be around when the Huskies turn it around, go to a bowl game again. We'll believe it can get better. It has to.

Because this was the worst season ever.

Reason #48: Peter Vagenas

If you're looking for a recent veteran acquisition by a Seattle sports team to be angry about, this is probably the guy you should focus your wrath upon. I'm sure this will bring up some questions, such as: Who? Why? Huh?

The player in question is Peter Vagenas, pictured above as being much more of a badass than he actually is. The 30 year old midfielder was chosen by YOUR Seattle Sounders in last week's expansion draft as one of 10 players who will help fill out the roster. Now, as I'm aware that most of our readers have the misfortune of not knowing about the finer points of American soccer, allow me to give a simple explanation as to why Mr. Vagenas (heh heh he has a funny name heh heh) deserves your dislike.

First, stats - in 182 games in his career, he has 11 goals and 12 assists. To be fair, as a defensive midfielder, his job is primarily, uh, defensive. He's a player who does the dirty work, who is typically at his best when he is being least noticed. Problem is, the last couple years he's been easy to notice. His lack of speed and skill is increasingly obvious, and his tendancy to seemingly never advance the ball towards the opposing goal has earned him the nickname "Back-Pass Pete". But here's the big problem - last year he was on the bench for the L.A. Galaxy. Yeah, Beckham's team. The one that sucks. Worst in MLS by the end of last season. And he couldn't crack the starting eleven. His main competition was two guys who have since been cut by the L. A. Fallacy.

So why'd we pick him? Well, probably because he's inexpensive and - what's that you say, internet? Vagenas is the second most expensive player out of 10 chosen by the Sounders? Oh. Um. Well, at least he'll provide a bunch of sixth-graders with easy jokes.

Article by Ness. Moved by M-Pop for Chronological sake.

Reason #47.5: Brooklyn (We Go Hard)

Great song...I suggest you all use it as the soundtrack to me serving M-Bad and Ness (Please read comments on original post before continuing.)



ALLOW ME TO REINTRODUCE MYSELF, MY NAME IS M-POP!

First off, I don't care if Branyan is cheap. You wouldn't pay 50 cents for a turd sandwich, would you? It doesn't matter how low the price is. It's a waste of money.

Second, you know who else could play 1st, 3rd and DH? Scott Spiezio. Or Tim Tebow. Or me. Anyone but Russell Branyan.

Third, Russell Branyan hits monster jacks. Congrats. When home runs over 400 feet start counting as twice as much as those under, then we sign him.

Since I know you guys loveeeee stats so much, there's some:
SLG: .485
Most HRs in a season: 24 (OOOOO SCARY POWER NUMBERS)
# of Strikeouts in that season: 151 in 378 at bats (That's just a strike out every 2.5 at bats. YES!)
Batting Average: .230
OPS: .320 (Decent...)

If that isn't The Child Molester's Ryan Howard, I don't know what is. According to Baseball Reference, similar hitters include Matt Stairs and Bubba Trammell. YES!

Oh and best of all, at least he's durable. Oh wait...he's played nine seasons and how many times has he made it over a 100 games? Twice? Oh wow. OH WOW.

But you guys are right. Jay-Z knows something everyone else doesn't. It's not like Branyan didn't sit in the minors last year. It's not like he hasn't bounced from team to team. Good thing we didn't make a splashy signing like hmm, I dunno, Mark Teixeira. That would be awful. I'm glad we are sticking to small, meaningless signings that do nothing to either rebuild or improve the club, further sticking the Mariners in the no man's land they've been in the last three to four years.

Oh well, at least his wife's hot...

Reason #47: Russell Branyan

Well, I'm glad that General Manager Jack Zdurnklafjls (I do know how to spell it...Zduriencik. THERE) still gets "excited" (this is a PG website) by anything having to do with his old club, but jeez, until today I didn't think there was such thing as a poor man's Richie Sexson. I guess that would make Russell Branyan the child molester's Ryan Howard.

.250 average, 12 homers in 132 at bats last year. Whole lot of strikeouts for the career.

Awesome.

Fun Fact: I actually saw big Russ play last year...FOR THE AAA NASHVILLE SOUNDS.

He seemed like a nice enough guy. He even waved to his daughter from the on-deck circle when she cried out, "Daddy!"

And his wife was super hot.

Maybe this wasn't such a bad signing after all...

Reason #46: The Curious Case of Justin Dentmon

You may have heard about the new Brad Pitt movie, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, which is destined to win an Oscar simply for its special effects. In it, Pitt's character is born an octagerian-looking baby, only to become younger-looking each year as he grows older in age.

Fear not, Justin Dentmon was not born a senior citizen nor is he adopting children from Malaysia with Angelina Jolie. He proudly presents his own type of mystery that needs cracking.

Dentmon appeared on the stage as a highly recruited player from Illinois. He was the point guard to replace Will Conroy. He was the heir apparent to the throne vacated by Nate Rob's early exit to the NBA. He was cool, calm and collected, his demeanor on the court matching his coach's, sleepy expression for sleepy expression.

Dentmon's freshman year was a success. Despite the rough moments like the foul in the final seconds, up 3, on the desperation heave by WHERE YOU NOW YOU ANNOYING PIECE OF Stanford guard Chris Hernadez, which enabled the mighty Tree to tie the game and go on to win, Dentmon brought excitement to the program. This guy had guts. He had heart. He was clutch.

Go to 2:20 of the video and watch. You'll see what I mean.

Look at how he goes to the line and drills clutch free throws to ice the game. Look at the four point play! This kid had arrived. Maybe.

His per game averages were solid, 8.3 points, 3.5 rebounds, 3.8 assists. With Spencer Hawes and a few other top recruits coming in for the 2006-2007 season, those numbers should bounce up, right? Right? Righhhhhhhht?

Well, they did: 10.1, 4.0, 3.6. However, Dentmon's inconsistent play at the point hampered the team down the stretch and they ended up missing the NCAA tournament. Hawes jumps to the league, kids apply to transfer, blah blah blah. Someone was going to have to score more points and it was either going to be Brockman or Dentmon.

Well, it was Brockman. Dentmon not only averaged less points per game but also found himself in Coach Lorenzo Romar's doghouse, getting his minutes diminished for freshman Venoy Overton. He began to look like a deer in the headlights. The guy had obviously lost his mojo. The memories of the freshman sensation had all but disappeared.

What does this prove? That Dentmon misses Brandon Roy. A lot.

Yes, we all know Roy filled up the stat sheet but he also brought confidence to everyone around him. The guy was key to Dentmon's swagger. When he left, it did too. Roy carried everyone on that team as all great players should. Jamal Williams was suddenly a unstoppable force in the post. Bobby Jones was hitting jumpshots from the wing. Mike Jensen got to look like a D1 basketball player! Teams game planned for Roy first and everyone else second. Take that away and Dentmon has struggled.

I have hope for his senior year. In the game vs. Florida, Dentmon scored 14 points in the 1st half, but then frustratingly disappeared in the 2nd, finishing with 17. Still, for a brief stretch of time, he played up to the potential he showed three years ago.

I have no real stat to back this up other than his 20 points in the upset vs. UCLA last year, but I don't really care. Mark my words: In every big Husky win in the last three years, Dentmon has had a good/great game. He is the key to this team and if they want to make the tournament, he needs to play well.

It's time to see that freshman Justin Dentmon once again.

Reason #45: Ty Willingham...AGAIN

"But M-Pop! You already did Ty Willingham! That's against the rules!"

RULES?!? There are no rules and if there were I'd be the one making 'em. Plus, look, it's a picture of him while he was at Notre Dame so it's completely different.

In case you were watching an important football game this weekend, the UW Huskies cemented their place as the worst team in college football and maybe the worst in Pac-10 history by losing the Apple Cup to the Washington State, 16-13 in 2 OTs. Players, including resident complete badass Jordan White-Frisbee, left the field with tears streaming down their faces. Senior TE Michael Gottlieb got choked up in the post-game press conference. Nate Williams laid prone on the field for a good five minutes after the kick went through.

Play for the Ty Willingham (see what I did there? YEAH!) made two decisions that absolutely killed me. The first and most talked about happened on 4 and 3 on the WSU 36 with 2 minutes left. Instead of giving your team a chance to win the GAME up 10-7, you punt and hope the other team loses it. Punt goes into the endzone, one play later they're back past the 36. Good call! It's not like you'd ran for 224 yards already. It's not like every senior on that offensive line wasn't going to try to kill the guy in front of him to finally win a game.

The play that really got my goat and when I knew that UW was going to lose came in the first overtime. WSU had already kicked a field goal. The Huskies had 3 and 6. Instead of taking a shot, you know, and try to win, they ran the ball and settled for kicking the field goal thus PLAYING NOT TO LOSE! You know what, I would've rather had Fouch throw a pick right there and lose that way then try to play the field goal kicking game. It's extremely comical considering that Tom Osbourne once went for two with a national championship on a line instead of playing for a tie. He failed but at least had his dignity intact. What were you playing for, Ty? You have absolutely nothing to lose. You're already fired!

I respect you as a person, Ty, but as a coach and a leader of men, I'm not so sure anymore. Real classy throwing freshman CB Quinton Richardson under the bus about the 47 yard completion in the final seconds to set up the game tying field goal. You said you didn't know what was going through the young man's head on that play. I'm guessing it was the attitude shown by his head coach every game. Maybe he was trying not to lose, instead of trying to win.

Reason #44: Dancing Groundskeepers

Dancing with the Stars, it ain't. Somehow, 3 years and countless 3rd inning breaks later, those loveable dancing groundskeepers just can't seem to improve. Yeah, they're not talented, and yeah, they basically have the same routine every time to a different tune. But honestly these guys are pretty much harmless, if a bit (or, depending on how frequently you frequent Mariners games, maybe a lot) old, tired, unexciting. Past their prime. But they don't hurt anyone.

No, the real problem is that these guys regularly get the loudest cheers all night at Safeco Field. I'm having trouble coming up with a word other than 'sad,' but honestly, that pretty much will suffice.

Reason #43: Jermiah Pharms

Jermiah Pharms is exactly the type of athlete the current Washington Huskies don't have. When he anchored the defense that helped his Huskies win the Rose Bowl and finish 3rd in the nation, you could've used any of the following descriptions for him: Physical. Bruising. Terrifying. Makes You Wet the Bed. Makes You Have Nightmares. Makes Your Nightmares have Nightmares.

Just watch this highlight video of him in high school:


If that's not enough, check out what he did during real games:

Pharms, a 250-pound linebacker from Sacramento, Calif., was a star at the UW. He bench-pressed more than 400 pounds, sported a pit-bull tattoo, and sometimes, during games, locked eyes with an opposing player and proceeded to urinate, the stream darkening his pants. He did this to intimidate. After all, who'd want to go against someone as crazy as that?

Pretty nasty, huh? Even more so when you consider he played all of his senior season with his FINGERPRINTS WERE CONNECTED TO A SHOOTING. Yes, that's right. His fingerprints were on the door handle of the car that was used for the get away. Oh, and the suspect's description was a man of massive build with the initals, J.P.

Hmm. That does kinda sound familar. Give me a second and I may be able to place it.

Oh and of course, UW protected him. He didn't get charged until after he was drafted by the Clevand Browns in the 5th round. He was sentenced to 3 years and 5 months in prison.

In case you were wondering, Pharms didn't graduate and get a degree but really, what are college athletic scholarships about?

Hint: The answer's not "Winning football games"

Reason #42: The Daily Kos

Huh? What in the blue hells is a sports blog doing calling out the largest liberal politics website on the intertubes? I hear you thousands of you clamoring this very question. Fear not, I have an answer.

Seattle's very best independent sportswriter, Dave Cameron of USSMariner.com, is in a contest for a 10,000 dollar scholarship. The winner of an online poll gets the cash. As he is a student, and still finds time to write passionate and brilliantly about the Mariners (his open letter to Rafael Chavez famously helped King Felix to a great performance, after which he credited the blog), he doesn't get compensated for his work and time. Until a few days ago, Cameron held a comfortable lead in the poll.

Until a little-known political blog, also up for the scholarship but with very few votes, began bombing Daily Kos with pleas to help him win the scholarship simply because he agreed with them politically. The ravenous Kos followers obliged, and their man now sits a few hundred votes in front of Cameron.

GO VOTE FOR DAVE CAMERON. This isn't just about a scholarship. This is about good versus evil. About David versus Goliath. And about baseball versus politics. Need I remind you which is more important? I need. It's baseball. Duh.

Reason #41: Pontius Pilate

Oops. I meant PORTLAND PILOTS.

Come on! Cut me a break. Those guys look super similar and they both have done some crucifying as of late if you know what I mean...yeah? yeah? yeah?

Aw. Too soon? TOO BAD! The Portland Pilots hung Jon Brockman and Co. out to dry to the tune of a 80-74 disgrace of a game in which the Invisible Man a.k.a. Quincy Pointdexter did jack diddly poo ONCE AGAIN.

How do you play 25 minutes and SCORE 0 POINTS? If Brockman hadn't ripped off his shirt to show the S on his chest to the tune of 30 points and 14 rebounds, the Huskies would have been blown out. BY PORTLAND.

Great school. Great city. But the only thing they should beat UW in is potheads per capita.

Oh and that whole improvment on the free throws thing...yeah...about that. 60% is not good. You know what's worse? 3-16 from 3 Point range. You know, I never thought I'd say it but...I miss Ryan Applaklsjflkasdjflafklsdj

Sorry. That was me driving my skull into my keyboard.

Reason #40: Ronnie Fouch

There's a reason you can't spell Fouch without the 'ouch.'Selected statistics for Washington QB Ronnie Fouch, 2008

Pass attempts: 227
Pass completions: 99
Touchdown passes: 4
Interceptions: 11
QB efficiency rating: 85.0
Rushing yards: -95
Wins: nope
Losses: yup
Curses of 'dammit, Ronnie' induced: 15,006
Emotion Jake Locker feels when watching Ronnie Fouch: >:(

Reason #39: Tim Lincecum

Awful baseball team seeking likable young man, preferably a pitcher, between the ages of 23 and 25 years old. Must be from the area, preferably attending both high school and college in the same greater metropolitan zone as the team in question. Must have goofy smile, goofy hair, goofy windup and a Cy Young in his 2nd season while striking out 265 batters. Interests should include: being unhittable, being a fan favorite and getting on the cover of video games.

Brandon Marrow need not apply

Reason #38.5

"Allright Ness, I don't think you knew the Bedard trade was a bad idea. No one did at the time. We didn't know he was a classless douchebag until he showed up in Seattle. Besides, Adam Jones sucks...really, he does. He is not that good." -ttzby13

I'd like to thank the commenter on the below post for allowing me to have a bit of fun. Rarely is a person wrong in so many ways in such a short period of time, so I salute you.

"I don't think you knew the Bedard trade was a bad idea" Nope. I was against it from the first rumor. I have an Adam Jones sign in my room. I have records of multiple emails I sent after the Bedard trade went down, most containing profanity and angry faces. If reader 'mbad' comes thru, he has my back on this.

"No one did at the time." Well, since I did, that's false, but a lot of other Mariners fans with more knowledge than me did as well. Here's one. Hey, here's another. And they're the two smartest guys in the Mariners blogosphere. Whaddya know.

"he was a classless douchebag" Huh? Because he doesn't answer the media's questions? As someone who knows the sports media pretty dang well, I can tell you that many of those reporters tread the line from inane to downright offensive, so I respect him for not taking their crap. But because he does this, he gets bad stuff written and said about him, calling him things like classless. By all accounts, away from the stadium he's a soft-spoken, humble, friendly guy. So put that in the 'wrong' column.

"Adam Jones sucks..." Now you're just being silly. Adam Jones is 23. He had 37 XBH's in 132 games, hit .270. Know what RZR is? A measure of who covers the most ground in the outfield. Know who was the best at it last year? Adam Jones. He has the biggest range in baseball. I repeat - he's 23. Do ya like Alex Rios? Because that's Jones in 3-4 years barring injuries. Either you are wildly, hilariously wrong, or you just have a huge definition of the word 'suck.' By your standards, maybe Albert Pujols is kinda alright at baseball and Ray Charles would have made a passable lounge singer.

Hey, that was fun. Remember, readers - this blog welcomes your comments!

Reason #38: Chip Hale

Of the seven men who are vying for the job of Mariners manager for the next two years until they get fired because we still suck, Chip Hale is an unlikely one. He's currently a 3rd base coach in the National League, and his only managerial credentials came with 3 years at AAA Tucson. He won manager of the year in '07, but mostly because Arizona's minor leagues were so stacked then that they would have roasted today's Mariners in a 7 game series. So what does Mr. Hale have to say about why he should be our next fearless leader?

"My thing is, play the game the right way... I played under Tom Kelly in Minnesota and the thing he used to preach is 'Respect the game.' I came through that system. We just did things the right way."

So does that mean wearing socks and shoes at EVERY game, not riding bicycles around the bases (sorry, Yuni and Jose), not drawing swastikas in the infield dirt...? What the hell does 'respect the game' really mean? That's just a vague phrase like the 'war on terror' which sounds important and all but specifically refers to exactly nothing. Hmm. So much for brilliant strategy. How's his player evaluation skills? Wait, hang on - per Geoff Baker, "For the record, he thought the Erik Bedard trade was a good one for the M's and made sense."

Um. What. My dog knew that trade didn't make any sense, though admittedly he's a very smart dog. So, uh, why exactly should we be considering hiring Mr. Chip Hale again...

He was a scrappy white infielder with no baseball skills whatsoever??? Done. Sold. Signed sealed and delivered, uh huh.

Reason #37: Ricky Williams

Wow. Did someone replace the grass in the end zone at Dolphin Stadium with the chronic? Did Snoop Dogg draw up some trick plays out of the Wildcat Formation? Were Cheech and Chong playing safety for the Seahawks? Oops, that was Brian Russell, which is probably a little worse than two 70 year old stoners.

Ok, I'm out of pot jokes but golly gee whiz, Ricky Williams just ran for 105 yards and a touchdown, busting out in a 21-19 victory over the Hawks like his cleavage in this wedding dress.

It was for the first time he went over a hundred yards since the last game of 2005 season. Do you know what's happened since 2005? The United States elected a black president! That's how much the world has changed. Good lord. Get with the times, Seattle. Racism isn't cool anymore and neither is Ricky Williams going beast mode.

Reason #36: Scott Boras

Can't you just see the dollar signs in his eyes?

Bora$, baseball's super-agent, was instrumental in taking Alex Rodriguez away from Seattle. Reportedly* during the brief negotiations Bora$ asked for "a metric ass-ton of money." That didn't happen, so off to Texas (and eventually New York) A-Rod went. But taking away Seattle's last true superstar wasn't enough for Bora$. Oh, no.

Now he's back to take away our Willie Bloomquist.

Noooooooo! You demon, Boras, you demon! Not Willie, our jack-of-all-trades local boy! Not the god of grit and the hero of hustle! Not the man who gives 110% even though it is physically impossible and some day will kill him! Oh, Willie, you don't realize what you're doing. All the tens of millions of dollars you're bound to recieve can buy you happiness, but they can't buy you a place in the hearts of your loyal fans. Remember that, Willie. Remember.




(*as reported by my imagination)

Reason #35: David Jones

Good news! The University of Washington Basketball team received 19 points in the pre-season AP poll, putting the team in the solid position of being unofficially ranked 35th in the nation.

Bad News! 17 of the points came from one man who ranked us 9th in the nation, no other than Mr. David Jones of the Harrisburg, P.A. Patriot News, who accord to this website, created the worst pre-season poll of any writer who has ever lived.

Look, I sip the Husky Kool-Aid about as much as anyone but there is no way in Pullman (or Hell, take your pick) that they should be ranked anywhere above 20th and that's a huge stretch. This team is filled with guys who have proven nothing, other than the big fella in the middle, Jon Brockman.

Check it out some of Jones' "daring moves":

Oklahoma:
Jones Rank: 3rd
AP Rank: 12th

Gonzaga:
Jones Rank: 25th
AP Rank: 10th

Michigan State:
Jones Rank: 22nd
AP Rank: 6th

M-Pop and the Funky Bunch
Jones Rank: 1st
AP Rank: SHUT YO MOUTH, YOU FREAKIN' HACK. CAN SOMEONE PLEASE TAKE AWAY THIS GUY'S MEMBERSHIP? LORD ALMIGHTY

I will say this: If Jones turns out to be Miss Cleo up in here and the Huskies prove themselves worthy of a Top Ten ranking at any time this year, I will print out this post and eat it, sans any condiments other than hot sauce.

Delicious.