Reason #47.5: Brooklyn (We Go Hard)

Great song...I suggest you all use it as the soundtrack to me serving M-Bad and Ness (Please read comments on original post before continuing.)



ALLOW ME TO REINTRODUCE MYSELF, MY NAME IS M-POP!

First off, I don't care if Branyan is cheap. You wouldn't pay 50 cents for a turd sandwich, would you? It doesn't matter how low the price is. It's a waste of money.

Second, you know who else could play 1st, 3rd and DH? Scott Spiezio. Or Tim Tebow. Or me. Anyone but Russell Branyan.

Third, Russell Branyan hits monster jacks. Congrats. When home runs over 400 feet start counting as twice as much as those under, then we sign him.

Since I know you guys loveeeee stats so much, there's some:
SLG: .485
Most HRs in a season: 24 (OOOOO SCARY POWER NUMBERS)
# of Strikeouts in that season: 151 in 378 at bats (That's just a strike out every 2.5 at bats. YES!)
Batting Average: .230
OPS: .320 (Decent...)

If that isn't The Child Molester's Ryan Howard, I don't know what is. According to Baseball Reference, similar hitters include Matt Stairs and Bubba Trammell. YES!

Oh and best of all, at least he's durable. Oh wait...he's played nine seasons and how many times has he made it over a 100 games? Twice? Oh wow. OH WOW.

But you guys are right. Jay-Z knows something everyone else doesn't. It's not like Branyan didn't sit in the minors last year. It's not like he hasn't bounced from team to team. Good thing we didn't make a splashy signing like hmm, I dunno, Mark Teixeira. That would be awful. I'm glad we are sticking to small, meaningless signings that do nothing to either rebuild or improve the club, further sticking the Mariners in the no man's land they've been in the last three to four years.

Oh well, at least his wife's hot...