Reason #31: Joey Cora Crying

"Dad, is everybody still going to cheer for them even though they lost?"

"Of course. It's been a great ride."

Nuff said.

Reason #30: Gregg Popovich

Let's get the obvious out of the way. Popovich coached the San Antonio Spurs to victory over the Sonics in the 2005 playoffs, with Ray Allen's buzzer-beating shot clanging off to end Game 6, the series and Seattle's most recent run in the professional basketball playoffs. He also turned Bruce Bowen from a moderately bad small forward into an evil ankle-stomping cyborg. But that's not why he's on this list. Nor is it that he consistantly produces the least entertaining basketball to watch since the Washington Generals intra-squad scrimmages.

No, the reason Popovich is listed is because this is no longer funny.



Fouling the big fella five seconds into the game? Watching Shaq stand there, dumbfounded like Mongo from Blazing Saddles, and finally getting the joke? Nope. Not funny. Not even close. Because I hate you, Shaq. Kazaam was awful and your raps are the single worst noises to ever be recorded onto compact discs. I hate you, Greg Popovich. Your beard is ridiculous and your team is boring. I hate you, large association of basketball teams that pay players money. You are stupid. Nyeah nyeah.

Reason #29: Trading Jamie Moyer

Jamie Moyer is one of the biggest class acts in all of baseball and as you can see from the picture, is really missing Seattle right now. He won the Lou Gerhig, Roberto Clemente and Branch Rickey Awards all over a two year period, 2003-2004. He was an All-Star and a critical part of the run of quality Mariner teams in the early 2000s, winning 20 games twice and finishing in the Top 6 of the Cy Young voting three times.

Who did Bill Bavasi get for him? Andrew Baldwin and Andrew Barb. Never heard of them? Neither have I. Who foaming at the bit to make the trade? Why, only the architect of that mini-dynasty, former Mariners GM Pat Gillick, who unlike Bavasi, can read. And write. And count to 20 without taking off his shoes.

After watching Moyer go 16-7 with a 3.71 ERA for the Phillies this past year, it's pretty clear that the man was not washed up and will not be in the foreseeable future. The man pitched 6 1/3 strong innings in his first and possibly last World Series start...WITH ANAL LEAKAGE. Yes, that's right. This is not a rumor. Here is what his wife, Karen, had to say:

"It was so bad I had to change the sheets twice. He ruined two pillows. Our comforter is at the cleaners right now."

His son got in on the hi-jinks too:

"Know how the bloody sock went to the Hall of Fame? Our toilet seat should go to the Hall of Fame"

Good lord. How could you not let this man end his career in Seattle? He is everything we as a city stand for. Get your ring, Jamie.

Reason #28: Charlie Weis

Nice knowin' ya, Ty.

So you thought you'd seen the worst pass. Surely UW had to be headed toward some sort of rebound, with a embarrassing record of 0-6 and a big game - if a winless team can have one - against Notre Dame. Maybe they wouldn't win, but it had to be close, right? It would be a game for the UW football team to gain an iota of respect, putting them at exactly one iota.

By the third quarter, with the Huskies trailing 24-o and with under 50 total yards of offense, that goal had flew out the window. All there was left was to try and avoid getting completely humiliated. But the Huskies, a team in decline faster than the stock market, couldn't manage that either. On 4th and 13, and Notre Dame with the ball in their own friggin territory, head coach Charlie Weis decided to stab a knife into the UW gut. More like a pin into the UW pincushion, actually, since there have been several already stabbed in.

Weis called for the fake punt, and after it went for 30 something yards - inevitable, really - UW bowed their heads in shame yet again. They had been handed the ultimate disrespect, and they took it. It was the crap cherry on the crap ice cream sundae of a season.

Here's a catchy slogan. UW football '08: There Is No Floor.

Reason #27: OKC vs. LAL

You used to be our token white guy, Nick Collison.

I never thought three letters could hurt me so bad (I always figured it would take at least four or five) but flipping on ESPN to see that OKC at the bottom of the screen broke my little heart.

But then Andrew Bynum dunked all over Johan Petro and I felt better. It turns out that if you sucked in one city, then you probably still suck in another less populated, less educated, less money making, LESS COOL city.

Is 10-72 too much to ask for?

Reason #26: Jim McIlvaine

The goal of every sports franchise is to build a dynasty, a team that competes in its arena of play at an extremely high level, perennial contenders for a championship. It takes foresight, it takes creative thinking, and it takes a little bit of luck. A dynasty is an incredibly hard thing to create.

But all it takes to undo one is 85 inches.

That’s the height of Jim McIlvaine, the 7’1” former Seattle center that casual Sonics fans have long since forgotten, and that hardcore fans would like to forget. You see, after the 1996 season in which the Sonics were denied the NBA title by the Bulls, the best team the NBA’s ever seen, McIlvaine was a free agent. At the same time, superstar Sonic Shawn Kemp was asking for a salary increase, one which he deserved to keep up with the rapid escalation of contract sizes. But the team instead gave McIlvaine, who had averaged under 3 points and 3 rebounds that season, the keys to the vault.

You don’t do that. You just never, ever do that. If you have an immensely talented, relatively young player that just took you to the Finals and can do it again, you pay him. No questions asked. You don’t give an unproven shot-block specialist priority over Shawn Friggin Kemp. He and Gary Payton were the dream duo – Kemp was the peanut butter to Payton’s jelly, the Coke to his rum. They were the best two players the franchise had ever seen, and they were broken up because to a few misguided people, Jim McIlvaine deserved the big money more.

The result of the story is a tragend - tragic legend – the Sonics never again made the Finals, McIlvaine was an enormous bust, never averaging more than 4 points or 4 rebounds per game, and Kemp was traded away the following year. The Reign Man’s career would never again be the same, as he battled weight problems, alcohol and an addiction to a different kind of coke.

That 1996 season would be the last peak in the history of Seattle professional basketball. The rest that followed was a slow downhill death spiral into oblivion. And Jim McIlvaine, all 85 inches of him, was one of the many factors that caused the downfall of the Sonics.

Reason #25: Jack Zduriencik

Congrats on the hire, Jack. I hate you already. Leave it to the Mariners to screw up the most simple of tasks: getting a new GM. If Howard Lincoln had watched baseball in the past 10 years, he would know that when it comes to putting someone in charge of your team, there is one and only one rule:

HIRE THE YOUNGEST KID YOU CAN FIND.

Just look at the ALCS. Theo Epstein just got his driver's license and Andrew Friedman just started shaving. So what do the M's do? They hire some wrinkly, balding old man who probably was alive during the Carter Administration.

You know who they should've hired? Twelve year old Billy Heywood.

Except this time around if Ken Griffey Jr. robs you of a home run, you can't still marry his mom, you ginger tool.