Reason #38: Chip Hale

Of the seven men who are vying for the job of Mariners manager for the next two years until they get fired because we still suck, Chip Hale is an unlikely one. He's currently a 3rd base coach in the National League, and his only managerial credentials came with 3 years at AAA Tucson. He won manager of the year in '07, but mostly because Arizona's minor leagues were so stacked then that they would have roasted today's Mariners in a 7 game series. So what does Mr. Hale have to say about why he should be our next fearless leader?

"My thing is, play the game the right way... I played under Tom Kelly in Minnesota and the thing he used to preach is 'Respect the game.' I came through that system. We just did things the right way."

So does that mean wearing socks and shoes at EVERY game, not riding bicycles around the bases (sorry, Yuni and Jose), not drawing swastikas in the infield dirt...? What the hell does 'respect the game' really mean? That's just a vague phrase like the 'war on terror' which sounds important and all but specifically refers to exactly nothing. Hmm. So much for brilliant strategy. How's his player evaluation skills? Wait, hang on - per Geoff Baker, "For the record, he thought the Erik Bedard trade was a good one for the M's and made sense."

Um. What. My dog knew that trade didn't make any sense, though admittedly he's a very smart dog. So, uh, why exactly should we be considering hiring Mr. Chip Hale again...

He was a scrappy white infielder with no baseball skills whatsoever??? Done. Sold. Signed sealed and delivered, uh huh.

Reason #37: Ricky Williams

Wow. Did someone replace the grass in the end zone at Dolphin Stadium with the chronic? Did Snoop Dogg draw up some trick plays out of the Wildcat Formation? Were Cheech and Chong playing safety for the Seahawks? Oops, that was Brian Russell, which is probably a little worse than two 70 year old stoners.

Ok, I'm out of pot jokes but golly gee whiz, Ricky Williams just ran for 105 yards and a touchdown, busting out in a 21-19 victory over the Hawks like his cleavage in this wedding dress.

It was for the first time he went over a hundred yards since the last game of 2005 season. Do you know what's happened since 2005? The United States elected a black president! That's how much the world has changed. Good lord. Get with the times, Seattle. Racism isn't cool anymore and neither is Ricky Williams going beast mode.

Reason #36: Scott Boras

Can't you just see the dollar signs in his eyes?

Bora$, baseball's super-agent, was instrumental in taking Alex Rodriguez away from Seattle. Reportedly* during the brief negotiations Bora$ asked for "a metric ass-ton of money." That didn't happen, so off to Texas (and eventually New York) A-Rod went. But taking away Seattle's last true superstar wasn't enough for Bora$. Oh, no.

Now he's back to take away our Willie Bloomquist.

Noooooooo! You demon, Boras, you demon! Not Willie, our jack-of-all-trades local boy! Not the god of grit and the hero of hustle! Not the man who gives 110% even though it is physically impossible and some day will kill him! Oh, Willie, you don't realize what you're doing. All the tens of millions of dollars you're bound to recieve can buy you happiness, but they can't buy you a place in the hearts of your loyal fans. Remember that, Willie. Remember.




(*as reported by my imagination)

Reason #35: David Jones

Good news! The University of Washington Basketball team received 19 points in the pre-season AP poll, putting the team in the solid position of being unofficially ranked 35th in the nation.

Bad News! 17 of the points came from one man who ranked us 9th in the nation, no other than Mr. David Jones of the Harrisburg, P.A. Patriot News, who accord to this website, created the worst pre-season poll of any writer who has ever lived.

Look, I sip the Husky Kool-Aid about as much as anyone but there is no way in Pullman (or Hell, take your pick) that they should be ranked anywhere above 20th and that's a huge stretch. This team is filled with guys who have proven nothing, other than the big fella in the middle, Jon Brockman.

Check it out some of Jones' "daring moves":

Oklahoma:
Jones Rank: 3rd
AP Rank: 12th

Gonzaga:
Jones Rank: 25th
AP Rank: 10th

Michigan State:
Jones Rank: 22nd
AP Rank: 6th

M-Pop and the Funky Bunch
Jones Rank: 1st
AP Rank: SHUT YO MOUTH, YOU FREAKIN' HACK. CAN SOMEONE PLEASE TAKE AWAY THIS GUY'S MEMBERSHIP? LORD ALMIGHTY

I will say this: If Jones turns out to be Miss Cleo up in here and the Huskies prove themselves worthy of a Top Ten ranking at any time this year, I will print out this post and eat it, sans any condiments other than hot sauce.

Delicious.

Reason #34: The murder of Ed McMichael

If you've been to a few Sonics, Mariners or Seahawks games over the years, you have seen and probably appreciated Ed McMichael without knowing it. Ed was the Tuba Guy, the man sitting outside the arena or stadium before and after almost every sporting event. He was recognized by all. The Tuba Guy could have played in a band but instead chose to play solo, frequently in the cold, to collect tips and smiles from strangers. He would play slowly and sad after losses, and joyously after victories. He was one of the best known, if not the very best, sports fan in the city over the last 15 or so years.

It saddens me greatly that I have to use the past tense in describing him. On October 25 he was attacked by a group, beaten, kicked and robbed. He died from his injuries two days ago.

I don't want to dwell on the type of lowlifes that would attack and effectively murder a 53 year old man. Karma will have their own way of getting back to them, and it will be swift and painful. No, I'd rather remember Ed. I've seen him more times than I can count - I had given him friendly smiles many times, change occasionally and a spare ticket once. He was a bright spot after the most miserable of Mariner or Sonic losses. I want a memorial to this man, whose contributions to the Seattle sports scene could never be measured but were undeniably apparent and wonderful. I want a big brass tuba monument between Safeco and Quest Fields, beside which other buskers can play to their hearts content. Here's to the Tuba Guy.

You can send donations to this address.
Edward the Tuba Man McMichael Memorial Fund
P.O. Box 4985
Federal Way 98063

Reason #33: Because Venoy Overton Can't Do This

Reason #32: North Texas University

They're the next college football powerhouse, I'm telling you. Led by sensational sophomore quarterback and part time Italian mobster Giovanni Vizza, the North Texas Mean Green are on a roll. They're tough and mean, and are about to make other college programs green with envy. After last week's 51-40 thrill ride, with four touchdowns passed for by V-to-the-izz-A, who would deny North Texas their place among college footballs elite?



Uh, everyone, that's who. Because it was the first win on the season for North Texas, and it came over fellow awful team Western Kentucky.

However, both North Texas and Western Kentucky have one thing in common - they're won a game this season. In fact, they share this honor with every other major program in the country. Except for one. That would be the formerly proud and mighty University of Washington. With North Texas's win this weekend, the Huskies are the only remaining major college program without a football win. They are the worst team in the country.

aaaaughghghghghg