Reason #4: Jim Moore

Oh, Jim Moore, how you humor me. Unintentionally, of course.

First of all, he calls himself the “Go 2 Guy”. I don’t think that point needs any elaboration – that’s simply one of the worst nicknames ever. He tried to get cute and break away from his normal obnoxious Cougar homer self, and he picked the Huskies to beat Oklahoma. Yup, that was a good idea. Instead of being a refreshing break from his brainless bashing of the school he oh-so-cleverly calls “Probation Nation,” he just managed to look silly in a whole new way.

But the heart of the problem with Moore is his inane style. In his latest article on the Mariners, where Moore shows up just a little late on the Stephen Strasberg bandwagon, he begins with each paragraph containing as few possible sentences as possible: 1, 1, 2, 1, 1, 2, 2, 2, 1, 1, 1, 2, 1. And in the whole article, not a single paragraph over 3 sentences long. Amazing. That would have got low marks at my high school. Does he not have the patience to form an entire, legitimate paragraph? Does he just have a deep-seated desire to press the enter button as much as possible? The world may never know.

This is no aberration; it’s simply the unique and ridiculous writing style of the equally ridiculously named Go 2 Guy. His other recent article (on the Storm) contains a couple lines of 3, and 1 miraculous line of 4 sentences. Everything else is 1 or 2. Counting by number of sentences, the article starts off 1, 1, 2, 2, 1, 2, 1, 2. It’s like he’s playing minesweeper.

In the latter article, he unleashed this 1-sentence gem of a paragraph: “Cooper's team appeared to have a little more talent and tenacity this night, which was hard to explain because the Storm dusted the Sparks in Game 2 at KeyArena on Sunday afternoon.” Now, come on, Jim. I don’t know the second thing about the WNBA (the first thing being that it is a national association of basketball played by women), and I know that it’s easy to explain. Here goes - the best team doesn’t always win. And the team who was better in the last game doesn’t always win, either. Because if that were true, WHO WOULD WIN THE FIRST GAME BETWEEN THE TEAMS? There is no logical answer! My god, Moore, have you stumbled upon a paradox that could reveal the answers to mysteries about the very nature of time?!? …no, wait, you just aren’t a very good writer. Got it.

Fortunately for everyone, Jim Moore is confined to the P.I. Unfortunately for everyone, many Puget Sounders still read that paper, so his uncreative, unoriginal and just plain lame writing still gets read by thousands. And as long as they do, Seattle sports fans will be dumber. Stop the madness, everyone. The Go 2 Guy needs to go away.

Reason #3: Grey's Anatomy

Yeah, it was crazy. Some guy came out of nowhere and stabbed me for watching this show!

After the run of the hit show, Frasier, and that awesome work of cinema, Sleepless in Seattle, I thought nothing could come along that would make Seattle look softer. Yet, then you emerge, Grey's Anatomy, a show that makes Gossip Girl look as gritty as The Wire. (Yeah, I know my televison, what's up now?)

As I sit here drinking my Venti sized Starbucks cappuccino, listening to a little Nirvana, and contemplating how much I loathe everything other than flannel shirts, I’m getting a little depressed from all this rain (that is, if I was actually in Seattle right now...BECAUSE IT ALWAYS RAINS THERE) and when I get like that it's either jump off the Fremont Bridge or make a Top 10 list.

Time to McShutYourPieHole and listen up, doctors who kill most of their patients!

Top Ten Things You Didn't Know About Seattle:

1. Sir Mix-A-Lot reps us...hard
2. Where the Atomic Bomb was Invented
   
3. Only Colony to Have Two People Sign the Declaration of Independence
4. Doughnuts are illegal...as is any type of pollution. That's why we all live in tents, bio diesel fueled tents.
   
5. That's a real hospital in the show! It's where I was born and delivered by some crying woman doctor who had just cheated on her boyfriend or gotten pregnant or something else totally life ruining.
   
6. The ferry is fake though. Why would we use boats when we have bridges everywhere...FLOATING BRIDGES.
   
7. Karl Marx wrote the Communist Manifesto after seeing my high school
8. The song, Don't Stop Believin', was written about the quest to get indoor plumbing to all residents in the early '80s.
9. George Washington, namesake of our great state, could not tell a lie, except when he told you that dogs go to heaven.
10. Sarah Palin used to be Mayor.
    

Kill me now.

Reason #2: Carlos Silva

This is Carlos Silva.
Carlos Silva is a professional baseball player for the Seattle Mariners. Carlos Silva was a free agent going into the past offseason. Carlos Silva had decent career statistics, about average for a #3 pitcher, but was aided by the fact that he is an extreme pitch to contact pitcher and that he had a good defense behind him in the Twin Cities. The main suitor for Silva in the offseason was the Seattle Mariners, despite a recent history of signing pitchers to large contracts with poor results.

The Seattle Mariners signed Carlos Silva to a 4 year, 48 million dollar deal. His deal includes award bonuses: $0.2 M for winning the Cy Young, $50,000 each for winning the LCS MVP, Gold Glove, or being named to the All Star team. And $0.1 M for being named World Series MVP.

This season, Carlos Silva gave up 114 runs in 153 innings pitched. He sported a 6.46 ERA and a 1.6 WHIP. He gave up 213 hits while striking out only 69 batters. He gave up more than 3 times as many hits than strikeouts. He was one of the worst 5 starting pitchers in the major leagues.

Carlos Silva is fat. Carlos Silva refers to himself in the third person as ‘Chief.’ Carlos Silva has, on multiple occasions, threatened his teammates, and was likely the guilty party who threatened to beat up the team’s best player, Ichiro. Two months ago, in a long and vague rant against some of his teammates, Silva said, "Instead of moving a runner, they (Mariners hitters) want to get a base hit just because of the numbers. Instead of to get a ground ball, maybe I want to strike him out because of my numbers, you know what I mean?” In baseball, a base hit is better than just moving the runner over and a strikeout is almost always better than a ground ball. Carlos Silva apparently does not know this. Carlos Silva is a professional baseball player.

This season, the Seattle Mariners finished with 61 wins and 101 losses, the worst in the American League. They were also the first team to spend 100 million dollars and lose over 100 games.

The Seattle Mariners signed Carlos Silva to a 4 year, 48 million dollar deal. His deal includes award bonuses: $0.2 M for winning the Cy Young, $50,000 each for winning the LCS MVP, Gold Glove, or being named to the All Star team. And $0.1 M for being named World Series MVP.

Reason #1: Ty Willingham

Well, I was going to write about something a little more abstract to start this endeavor but my hand was forced.

Ty Willingham, coach of my beloved Washington Huskies, you have let me down. Time and time again, I have defended your honor, your integrity. I loved the discipline. I loved how you never smiled on the sidelines. You were the definition of a bad ass.

Well, until the games actually started.

Now, after making Tavita Pritchard look like John Elway, after making Sam Bradford look like Jesus, you are my first reason that a Seattle sports team will never win a championship. You are 11-29 over the last four years. The Huskies have been outscored in the 2nd half by so much during your tenure, I don’t even have the heart to look it up. What do you do in there? Give them horse tranquilizers?

And worst of all, you are making Jake Locker wish he played baseball every time he has to play a team like Oklahoma or USC or Ohio State that are foaming at the mouth to take his block off because we have absolutely no one to help him out. See evidence:



OR



Where’s J.R. Hasty, Ty? Where’s the kid I saw run all over De La Salle High School for 271 yards to break their 151 game win streak? Your crown jewel recruit? I don’t see him in the backfield. I don't see him on the sidelines. Don't even see him in the stands. Oh right, that’s because he now plays at CENTRAL WASHINGTON, and probably soon to be joined by his ex-high school teammate and your leading tackler for last year, E.J. Savannah. Nice discipline, Ty. Way to keep the players in check.

How clueless is Ty? Once upon a time, UW had a quarterback named Isaiah Stanback. Isaiah Stanback could run the 100 meters in 10.4. Isaiah Stanback could not pass the ball. At all. So of course, let’s not run the option. Let’s not encourage him to pull it down and run as much as possible. Let’s make him a pocket passer. And let’s lose. A lot.

After watching Stanback and company choke it against Air Force in 2005, I wrote in to the paper saying Ty wasn’t going to fix anything and we should get rid of him sooner than later. It was the first game of his tenure. Now, I’m no Nostradamus but after games like a 35-28 loss to Stanford, I feel pretty close. Bet you wish you ran that letter now, huh, Seattle Times?