Sometimes ESPN does our job for us...Ho, Ho, Ho.
Wait...one more gift for your stocking.
And here's to 2009!
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Reason #52: THE WORST YEAR EVER
Sometimes ESPN does our job for us...Ho, Ho, Ho.
Wait...one more gift for your stocking.
And here's to 2009!
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Reason #51: UConn
This is the state of Seattle sports right now. We can't even even adopt a team correctly.
Saturday afternoon, 16 thousand or so were in KeyArena to watch powerhouse Gonzaga take on powerhouse UConn. (Yeah, that's a sellout. Still think Seattle can't draw for basketball?) We've been driven to the point of adopting a team from Spokane, a team from leastern Washington, a team that spawned John Friggin Stockton. We've managed to swallow our collective pride and hope Josh Heytvelt can go beast mode on some poor backup forward. We've learned how to pronounce Jerheme Pargo. We've learned to appreciate the undeniable genius of Mark Few.
And in return, at the end of the biggest regular season game in Gonzaga's history, in the basketball heart of the Pacific Northwest, UConn stomps all over our poor little bandwagon faces.
A lucky shot from a UConn shooting guard tied the game, and also gave huge momentum to the Connecticut team who went on to win in overtime, leaving the Seattle fans to shake their heads wondering how their team failed to record a massive win.
Sound familiar? Like maybe it's happened before? Well, for those of you who haven't picked up the hint, this game was highly reminiscent of UW's Sweet Sixteen loss to UConn in the 2006 NCAA Tourney. Denham Brown hit a similarly lucky shot, killing the #1 seeded Huskies. Never mind the crap officiating and the fact that the #1 seeded team had to play in Washington DC. And seriously, Denham Brown? Last I heard he was playing ball in friggin North Dakota. Denham Brown ain't a basketball player, it's a type of jacket. Goddamn I hate UConn.
Saturday afternoon, 16 thousand or so were in KeyArena to watch powerhouse Gonzaga take on powerhouse UConn. (Yeah, that's a sellout. Still think Seattle can't draw for basketball?) We've been driven to the point of adopting a team from Spokane, a team from leastern Washington, a team that spawned John Friggin Stockton. We've managed to swallow our collective pride and hope Josh Heytvelt can go beast mode on some poor backup forward. We've learned how to pronounce Jerheme Pargo. We've learned to appreciate the undeniable genius of Mark Few.
And in return, at the end of the biggest regular season game in Gonzaga's history, in the basketball heart of the Pacific Northwest, UConn stomps all over our poor little bandwagon faces.
A lucky shot from a UConn shooting guard tied the game, and also gave huge momentum to the Connecticut team who went on to win in overtime, leaving the Seattle fans to shake their heads wondering how their team failed to record a massive win.
Sound familiar? Like maybe it's happened before? Well, for those of you who haven't picked up the hint, this game was highly reminiscent of UW's Sweet Sixteen loss to UConn in the 2006 NCAA Tourney. Denham Brown hit a similarly lucky shot, killing the #1 seeded Huskies. Never mind the crap officiating and the fact that the #1 seeded team had to play in Washington DC. And seriously, Denham Brown? Last I heard he was playing ball in friggin North Dakota. Denham Brown ain't a basketball player, it's a type of jacket. Goddamn I hate UConn.
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Reason #50: MYSTERY GUEST
The M's next signing?Let's play a game. What player has...
a) Insulted a rival city to the point of saying that if he ever said he wanted to go there, he would punch himself in the face.
b) Pissed off his teammates to the point that they wanted to "knock him out"
c) Once declared it was nice to finally win for once after playing in a series of exhibitions, putting down the team that actually employees him.
d) Thinks himself to be a fashionista of the highest degree when he actually dresses like an absolute clown
THE ANSWER:
SIKE! It's this guy:
Now, let's get this straight. Ichiro the Player is the man. First ballot Hall of Famer. Set all sorts of records. Love him.
Ichiro the Teammate is a jerk. Seriously, if he did all the stuff he did and was either WHITE or BLACK, he would be the Sean Avery or the Terrell Owens of baseball. However, he gets a free pass because he "doesn't speak English."
Whoops. He totally does. It's not like every All-Star game he goes a profanity laced tirade for the entire American League locker room. It's not like he's been hiding behind an interpreter for close to ten years. The guy can speak English. It's naive and almost insulting to his intelligence to assume that he can't at this point.
So let's not make the title of this post, "Ichiro" but rather "Trade Ichiro." If the Mariners are in full rebuilding mode, then why keep this guy around? So he can be a bad influence on young players coming up? So he can further fraction the clubhouse? We aren't going to win anything anytime soon. It's time to blow things up completely a la the Florida Marlins in 1997 and amass as many prospects as possible.
Ichiro's trade value will never be higher than it is now. Let's pull together a Randy Johnson to the Astros type trade. Get the next Freddy Garcia, John Halama, Carlos Guillen. Make it happen, Captain Jay-Z of the sinking ship, U.S.S. Mariner (BLOG SHOUT-OUTTTTT). I'd rather go 60-102 with exciting young players than 75-87 with Ichrio. Both are wastes of seasons but at least one gives hope for the future.
Of course, Ichiro will never be traded, considering the ownership and all the Japanese tourists that make the pilgrimage every year to the right field of Safeco. Oh well. I do love me some Ichirolls. Yum Yum Yum.
a) Insulted a rival city to the point of saying that if he ever said he wanted to go there, he would punch himself in the face.
b) Pissed off his teammates to the point that they wanted to "knock him out"
c) Once declared it was nice to finally win for once after playing in a series of exhibitions, putting down the team that actually employees him.
d) Thinks himself to be a fashionista of the highest degree when he actually dresses like an absolute clown
THE ANSWER:
SIKE! It's this guy:
Now, let's get this straight. Ichiro the Player is the man. First ballot Hall of Famer. Set all sorts of records. Love him.Ichiro the Teammate is a jerk. Seriously, if he did all the stuff he did and was either WHITE or BLACK, he would be the Sean Avery or the Terrell Owens of baseball. However, he gets a free pass because he "doesn't speak English."
Whoops. He totally does. It's not like every All-Star game he goes a profanity laced tirade for the entire American League locker room. It's not like he's been hiding behind an interpreter for close to ten years. The guy can speak English. It's naive and almost insulting to his intelligence to assume that he can't at this point.
So let's not make the title of this post, "Ichiro" but rather "Trade Ichiro." If the Mariners are in full rebuilding mode, then why keep this guy around? So he can be a bad influence on young players coming up? So he can further fraction the clubhouse? We aren't going to win anything anytime soon. It's time to blow things up completely a la the Florida Marlins in 1997 and amass as many prospects as possible.
Ichiro's trade value will never be higher than it is now. Let's pull together a Randy Johnson to the Astros type trade. Get the next Freddy Garcia, John Halama, Carlos Guillen. Make it happen, Captain Jay-Z of the sinking ship, U.S.S. Mariner (BLOG SHOUT-OUTTTTT). I'd rather go 60-102 with exciting young players than 75-87 with Ichrio. Both are wastes of seasons but at least one gives hope for the future.
Of course, Ichiro will never be traded, considering the ownership and all the Japanese tourists that make the pilgrimage every year to the right field of Safeco. Oh well. I do love me some Ichirolls. Yum Yum Yum.
Monday, December 8, 2008
Reason #49: 0
Oregon. I'm actually in Oregon, though I'm not attending the game. Family, friends and I are all wearing our purple prior to the season's opening kickoff. We're not expecting a win as we watch on tv, and our expectations are fulfilled. But that's alright. There's real, honest hope about this season of Washington Huskies football, and there's 11 more games to play. 0-1.
BYU. I'm in the stands, same corner of the west end zone I've been all my life. Same #25 purple jersey with the '01 Rose Bowl logo. The crowd is live for a big-name, highly ranked opponent, and there's the feeling that maybe, just maybe, we have a shot. The Huskies hang tight until the fourth quarter, then, down a TD, Jake Locker leads an improbable and miraculous two-minute drill, racing into the end zone with bare seconds remaining. He is then penalized for a natural reaction, an expression of joy, the life goes out of the team, the 35 yard extra-point is blocked, and the Huskies lose by one. Everyone is furious - rightfully so. But everyone still cares. 0-2.
Oklahoma. We come early, we tailgate. Same seats, same jersey. There's no belief in a win this time, but optimism is in the air. A decent performance will do wonders to boost confidence going in to the winnable games on the schedule. There is no decent performance. Just embarrasment. We're down 42-0 in the third quarter. For the first time I can remember, we exit the game early. Which is still better than the Huskies, who never bothered to show up at all. 0-3.
Notre Dame. Same seats, same jersey. Jake Locker is out for the season, the Huskies are in a tailspin, and the emotion of the BYU game is a distant memory. The fans and players are both going through the motions, and it shows. With the heart and soul of UW football on the sidelines, there's only one team on the field, and they aren't wearing purple. 0-7.
Arizona State. Same seats. Same jersey. Against a weak opponent, UW is surprisingly competant for a half until backup Ronnie Fouch completely loses his confidence, single-handedly throwing away any chance of a comeback. I begin to feel sorry for my dad. 22 years he's been in these seats, and this year - like many years - he's been to every game. How sad is this alleged football team compared to the championship team of '91? We leave early again. Nobody cares. 0-9.
Washington State. On TV. No jersey. Shame. It's the movable force against the resistable object. There's emotion again, but it's different. Bitter. Desperate. Wanting to be better than somebody. In the last few minutes, UW misses a 28 yard kick, WSU makes one from the same distance. Overtime. I note that I can make field goals from 28 yards. UW can't. In the second overtime, UW misses from 37 yards. WSU lines up for an attempt to win, also from 37 yards. I get up to leave. I know what's going to happen before it does. It does. 0-11.
California. Never has it been so certain that a football team has no chance of winning than UW did at Cal, last game of the season. I check the score anyways. Finding the broadcast online, I watch 3rd string Taylor Bean lead UW down the field for a touchdown. It's an impressive drive. I almost smile. The score is now 45 to 7. I turn it off to go do something else, anything else. 0-12.
BYU. I'm in the stands, same corner of the west end zone I've been all my life. Same #25 purple jersey with the '01 Rose Bowl logo. The crowd is live for a big-name, highly ranked opponent, and there's the feeling that maybe, just maybe, we have a shot. The Huskies hang tight until the fourth quarter, then, down a TD, Jake Locker leads an improbable and miraculous two-minute drill, racing into the end zone with bare seconds remaining. He is then penalized for a natural reaction, an expression of joy, the life goes out of the team, the 35 yard extra-point is blocked, and the Huskies lose by one. Everyone is furious - rightfully so. But everyone still cares. 0-2.
Oklahoma. We come early, we tailgate. Same seats, same jersey. There's no belief in a win this time, but optimism is in the air. A decent performance will do wonders to boost confidence going in to the winnable games on the schedule. There is no decent performance. Just embarrasment. We're down 42-0 in the third quarter. For the first time I can remember, we exit the game early. Which is still better than the Huskies, who never bothered to show up at all. 0-3.
Notre Dame. Same seats, same jersey. Jake Locker is out for the season, the Huskies are in a tailspin, and the emotion of the BYU game is a distant memory. The fans and players are both going through the motions, and it shows. With the heart and soul of UW football on the sidelines, there's only one team on the field, and they aren't wearing purple. 0-7.
Arizona State. Same seats. Same jersey. Against a weak opponent, UW is surprisingly competant for a half until backup Ronnie Fouch completely loses his confidence, single-handedly throwing away any chance of a comeback. I begin to feel sorry for my dad. 22 years he's been in these seats, and this year - like many years - he's been to every game. How sad is this alleged football team compared to the championship team of '91? We leave early again. Nobody cares. 0-9.
Washington State. On TV. No jersey. Shame. It's the movable force against the resistable object. There's emotion again, but it's different. Bitter. Desperate. Wanting to be better than somebody. In the last few minutes, UW misses a 28 yard kick, WSU makes one from the same distance. Overtime. I note that I can make field goals from 28 yards. UW can't. In the second overtime, UW misses from 37 yards. WSU lines up for an attempt to win, also from 37 yards. I get up to leave. I know what's going to happen before it does. It does. 0-11.
California. Never has it been so certain that a football team has no chance of winning than UW did at Cal, last game of the season. I check the score anyways. Finding the broadcast online, I watch 3rd string Taylor Bean lead UW down the field for a touchdown. It's an impressive drive. I almost smile. The score is now 45 to 7. I turn it off to go do something else, anything else. 0-12.
Tyrone Willingham will not be around in Husky Stadium in 2009. I will. Same seats, same jersey. It's my duty, my obligation. Myself and my dad and thousands like us will be around when the Huskies turn it around, go to a bowl game again. We'll believe it can get better. It has to.
Because this was the worst season ever.
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Reason #48: Peter Vagenas
If you're looking for a recent veteran acquisition by a Seattle sports team to be angry about, this is probably the guy you should focus your wrath upon. 
I'm sure this will bring up some questions, such as: Who? Why? Huh?
The player in question is Peter Vagenas, pictured above as being much more of a badass than he actually is. The 30 year old midfielder was chosen by YOUR Seattle Sounders in last week's expansion draft as one of 10 players who will help fill out the roster. Now, as I'm aware that most of our readers have the misfortune of not knowing about the finer points of American soccer, allow me to give a simple explanation as to why Mr. Vagenas (heh heh he has a funny name heh heh) deserves your dislike.
First, stats - in 182 games in his career, he has 11 goals and 12 assists. To be fair, as a defensive midfielder, his job is primarily, uh, defensive. He's a player who does the dirty work, who is typically at his best when he is being least noticed. Problem is, the last couple years he's been easy to notice. His lack of speed and skill is increasingly obvious, and his tendancy to seemingly never advance the ball towards the opposing goal has earned him the nickname "Back-Pass Pete". But here's the big problem - last year he was on the bench for the L.A. Galaxy. Yeah, Beckham's team. The one that sucks. Worst in MLS by the end of last season. And he couldn't crack the starting eleven. His main competition was two guys who have since been cut by the L. A. Fallacy.
So why'd we pick him? Well, probably because he's inexpensive and - what's that you say, internet? Vagenas is the second most expensive player out of 10 chosen by the Sounders? Oh. Um. Well, at least he'll provide a bunch of sixth-graders with easy jokes.
Article by Ness. Moved by M-Pop for Chronological sake.
I'm sure this will bring up some questions, such as: Who? Why? Huh?The player in question is Peter Vagenas, pictured above as being much more of a badass than he actually is. The 30 year old midfielder was chosen by YOUR Seattle Sounders in last week's expansion draft as one of 10 players who will help fill out the roster. Now, as I'm aware that most of our readers have the misfortune of not knowing about the finer points of American soccer, allow me to give a simple explanation as to why Mr. Vagenas (heh heh he has a funny name heh heh) deserves your dislike.
First, stats - in 182 games in his career, he has 11 goals and 12 assists. To be fair, as a defensive midfielder, his job is primarily, uh, defensive. He's a player who does the dirty work, who is typically at his best when he is being least noticed. Problem is, the last couple years he's been easy to notice. His lack of speed and skill is increasingly obvious, and his tendancy to seemingly never advance the ball towards the opposing goal has earned him the nickname "Back-Pass Pete". But here's the big problem - last year he was on the bench for the L.A. Galaxy. Yeah, Beckham's team. The one that sucks. Worst in MLS by the end of last season. And he couldn't crack the starting eleven. His main competition was two guys who have since been cut by the L. A. Fallacy.
So why'd we pick him? Well, probably because he's inexpensive and - what's that you say, internet? Vagenas is the second most expensive player out of 10 chosen by the Sounders? Oh. Um. Well, at least he'll provide a bunch of sixth-graders with easy jokes.
Article by Ness. Moved by M-Pop for Chronological sake.
Reason #47.5: Brooklyn (We Go Hard)
Great song...I suggest you all use it as the soundtrack to me serving M-Bad and Ness (Please read comments on original post before continuing.)
ALLOW ME TO REINTRODUCE MYSELF, MY NAME IS M-POP!
First off, I don't care if Branyan is cheap. You wouldn't pay 50 cents for a turd sandwich, would you? It doesn't matter how low the price is. It's a waste of money.
Second, you know who else could play 1st, 3rd and DH? Scott Spiezio. Or Tim Tebow. Or me. Anyone but Russell Branyan.
Third, Russell Branyan hits monster jacks. Congrats. When home runs over 400 feet start counting as twice as much as those under, then we sign him.
Since I know you guys loveeeee stats so much, there's some:
SLG: .485
Most HRs in a season: 24 (OOOOO SCARY POWER NUMBERS)
# of Strikeouts in that season: 151 in 378 at bats (That's just a strike out every 2.5 at bats. YES!)
Batting Average: .230
OPS: .320 (Decent...)
If that isn't The Child Molester's Ryan Howard, I don't know what is. According to Baseball Reference, similar hitters include Matt Stairs and Bubba Trammell. YES!
Oh and best of all, at least he's durable. Oh wait...he's played nine seasons and how many times has he made it over a 100 games? Twice? Oh wow. OH WOW.
But you guys are right. Jay-Z knows something everyone else doesn't. It's not like Branyan didn't sit in the minors last year. It's not like he hasn't bounced from team to team. Good thing we didn't make a splashy signing like hmm, I dunno, Mark Teixeira. That would be awful. I'm glad we are sticking to small, meaningless signings that do nothing to either rebuild or improve the club, further sticking the Mariners in the no man's land they've been in the last three to four years.
Oh well, at least his wife's hot...
ALLOW ME TO REINTRODUCE MYSELF, MY NAME IS M-POP!
First off, I don't care if Branyan is cheap. You wouldn't pay 50 cents for a turd sandwich, would you? It doesn't matter how low the price is. It's a waste of money.
Second, you know who else could play 1st, 3rd and DH? Scott Spiezio. Or Tim Tebow. Or me. Anyone but Russell Branyan.
Third, Russell Branyan hits monster jacks. Congrats. When home runs over 400 feet start counting as twice as much as those under, then we sign him.
Since I know you guys loveeeee stats so much, there's some:
SLG: .485
Most HRs in a season: 24 (OOOOO SCARY POWER NUMBERS)
# of Strikeouts in that season: 151 in 378 at bats (That's just a strike out every 2.5 at bats. YES!)
Batting Average: .230
OPS: .320 (Decent...)
If that isn't The Child Molester's Ryan Howard, I don't know what is. According to Baseball Reference, similar hitters include Matt Stairs and Bubba Trammell. YES!
Oh and best of all, at least he's durable. Oh wait...he's played nine seasons and how many times has he made it over a 100 games? Twice? Oh wow. OH WOW.
But you guys are right. Jay-Z knows something everyone else doesn't. It's not like Branyan didn't sit in the minors last year. It's not like he hasn't bounced from team to team. Good thing we didn't make a splashy signing like hmm, I dunno, Mark Teixeira. That would be awful. I'm glad we are sticking to small, meaningless signings that do nothing to either rebuild or improve the club, further sticking the Mariners in the no man's land they've been in the last three to four years.
Oh well, at least his wife's hot...
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Reason #47: Russell Branyan
Well, I'm glad that General Manager Jack Zdurnklafjls (I do know how to spell it...Zduriencik. THERE) still gets "excited" (this is a PG website) by anything having to do with his old club, but jeez, until today I didn't think there was such thing as a poor man's Richie Sexson. I guess that would make Russell Branyan the child molester's Ryan Howard.
.250 average, 12 homers in 132 at bats last year. Whole lot of strikeouts for the career.
Awesome.
Fun Fact: I actually saw big Russ play last year...FOR THE AAA NASHVILLE SOUNDS.
He seemed like a nice enough guy. He even waved to his daughter from the on-deck circle when she cried out, "Daddy!"
And his wife was super hot.
Maybe this wasn't such a bad signing after all...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)