Why Seattle Sports Will Never Win

Reason #52: THE WORST YEAR EVER

2008-12-24T01:56:00.000-08:00

Sometimes ESPN does our job for us...

Ho, Ho, Ho.

Wait...one more gift for your stocking.

And here's to 2009!

Reason #51: UConn

2008-12-21T21:46:00.001-08:00

This is the state of Seattle sports right now. We can't even even adopt a team correctly.

Saturday afternoon, 16 thousand or so were in KeyArena to watch powerhouse Gonzaga take on powerhouse UConn. (Yeah, that's a sellout. Still think Seattle can't draw for basketball?) We've been driven to the point of adopting a team from Spokane, a team from leastern Washington, a team that spawned John Friggin Stockton. We've managed to swallow our collective pride and hope Josh Heytvelt can go beast mode on some poor backup forward. We've learned how to pronounce Jerheme Pargo. We've learned to appreciate the undeniable genius of Mark Few.

And in return, at the end of the biggest regular season game in Gonzaga's history, in the basketball heart of the Pacific Northwest, UConn stomps all over our poor little bandwagon faces.
A lucky shot from a UConn shooting guard tied the game, and also gave huge momentum to the Connecticut team who went on to win in overtime, leaving the Seattle fans to shake their heads wondering how their team failed to record a massive win.

Sound familiar? Like maybe it's happened before? Well, for those of you who haven't picked up the hint, this game was highly reminiscent of UW's Sweet Sixteen loss to UConn in the 2006 NCAA Tourney. Denham Brown hit a similarly lucky shot, killing the #1 seeded Huskies. Never mind the crap officiating and the fact that the #1 seeded team had to play in Washington DC. And seriously, Denham Brown? Last I heard he was playing ball in friggin North Dakota. Denham Brown ain't a basketball player, it's a type of jacket. Goddamn I hate UConn.

Reason #50: MYSTERY GUEST

2008-12-17T16:02:00.000-08:00

The M's next signing?

Let's play a game. What player has...

a) Insulted a rival city to the point of saying that if he ever said he wanted to go there, he would punch himself in the face.

b) Pissed off his teammates to the point that they wanted to "knock him out"

c) Once declared it was nice to finally win for once after playing in a series of exhibitions, putting down the team that actually employees him.

d) Thinks himself to be a fashionista of the highest degree when he actually dresses like an absolute clown

THE ANSWER:

SIKE! It's this guy:
Now, let's get this straight. Ichiro the Player is the man. First ballot Hall of Famer. Set all sorts of records. Love him.

Ichiro the Teammate is a jerk. Seriously, if he did all the stuff he did and was either WHITE or BLACK, he would be the Sean Avery or the Terrell Owens of baseball. However, he gets a free pass because he "doesn't speak English."

Whoops. He totally does. It's not like every All-Star game he goes a profanity laced tirade for the entire American League locker room. It's not like he's been hiding behind an interpreter for close to ten years. The guy can speak English. It's naive and almost insulting to his intelligence to assume that he can't at this point.

So let's not make the title of this post, "Ichiro" but rather "Trade Ichiro." If the Mariners are in full rebuilding mode, then why keep this guy around? So he can be a bad influence on young players coming up? So he can further fraction the clubhouse? We aren't going to win anything anytime soon. It's time to blow things up completely a la the Florida Marlins in 1997 and amass as many prospects as possible.

Ichiro's trade value will never be higher than it is now. Let's pull together a Randy Johnson to the Astros type trade. Get the next Freddy Garcia, John Halama, Carlos Guillen. Make it happen, Captain Jay-Z of the sinking ship, U.S.S. Mariner (BLOG SHOUT-OUTTTTT). I'd rather go 60-102 with exciting young players than 75-87 with Ichrio. Both are wastes of seasons but at least one gives hope for the future.

Of course, Ichiro will never be traded, considering the ownership and all the Japanese tourists that make the pilgrimage every year to the right field of Safeco. Oh well. I do love me some Ichirolls. Yum Yum Yum.

Reason #49: 0

2008-12-08T16:59:00.000-08:00

Oregon. I'm actually in Oregon, though I'm not attending the game. Family, friends and I are all wearing our purple prior to the season's opening kickoff. We're not expecting a win as we watch on tv, and our expectations are fulfilled. But that's alright. There's real, honest hope about this season of Washington Huskies football, and there's 11 more games to play. 0-1.

BYU. I'm in the stands, same corner of the west end zone I've been all my life. Same #25 purple jersey with the '01 Rose Bowl logo. The crowd is live for a big-name, highly ranked opponent, and there's the feeling that maybe, just maybe, we have a shot. The Huskies hang tight until the fourth quarter, then, down a TD, Jake Locker leads an improbable and miraculous two-minute drill, racing into the end zone with bare seconds remaining. He is then penalized for a natural reaction, an expression of joy, the life goes out of the team, the 35 yard extra-point is blocked, and the Huskies lose by one. Everyone is furious - rightfully so. But everyone still cares. 0-2.

Oklahoma. We come early, we tailgate. Same seats, same jersey. There's no belief in a win this time, but optimism is in the air. A decent performance will do wonders to boost confidence going in to the winnable games on the schedule. There is no decent performance. Just embarrasment. We're down 42-0 in the third quarter. For the first time I can remember, we exit the game early. Which is still better than the Huskies, who never bothered to show up at all. 0-3.

Notre Dame. Same seats, same jersey. Jake Locker is out for the season, the Huskies are in a tailspin, and the emotion of the BYU game is a distant memory. The fans and players are both going through the motions, and it shows. With the heart and soul of UW football on the sidelines, there's only one team on the field, and they aren't wearing purple. 0-7.

Arizona State. Same seats. Same jersey. Against a weak opponent, UW is surprisingly competant for a half until backup Ronnie Fouch completely loses his confidence, single-handedly throwing away any chance of a comeback. I begin to feel sorry for my dad. 22 years he's been in these seats, and this year - like many years - he's been to every game. How sad is this alleged football team compared to the championship team of '91? We leave early again. Nobody cares. 0-9.

Washington State. On TV. No jersey. Shame. It's the movable force against the resistable object. There's emotion again, but it's different. Bitter. Desperate. Wanting to be better than somebody. In the last few minutes, UW misses a 28 yard kick, WSU makes one from the same distance. Overtime. I note that I can make field goals from 28 yards. UW can't. In the second overtime, UW misses from 37 yards. WSU lines up for an attempt to win, also from 37 yards. I get up to leave. I know what's going to happen before it does. It does. 0-11.

California. Never has it been so certain that a football team has no chance of winning than UW did at Cal, last game of the season. I check the score anyways. Finding the broadcast online, I watch 3rd string Taylor Bean lead UW down the field for a touchdown. It's an impressive drive. I almost smile. The score is now 45 to 7. I turn it off to go do something else, anything else. 0-12.

Tyrone Willingham will not be around in Husky Stadium in 2009. I will. Same seats, same jersey. It's my duty, my obligation. Myself and my dad and thousands like us will be around when the Huskies turn it around, go to a bowl game again. We'll believe it can get better. It has to.

Because this was the worst season ever.

Reason #48: Peter Vagenas

2008-12-04T15:24:00.000-08:00

If you're looking for a recent veteran acquisition by a Seattle sports team to be angry about, this is probably the guy you should focus your wrath upon. I'm sure this will bring up some questions, such as: Who? Why? Huh?

The player in question is Peter Vagenas, pictured above as being much more of a badass than he actually is. The 30 year old midfielder was chosen by YOUR Seattle Sounders in last week's expansion draft as one of 10 players who will help fill out the roster. Now, as I'm aware that most of our readers have the misfortune of not knowing about the finer points of American soccer, allow me to give a simple explanation as to why Mr. Vagenas (heh heh he has a funny name heh heh) deserves your dislike.

First, stats - in 182 games in his career, he has 11 goals and 12 assists. To be fair, as a defensive midfielder, his job is primarily, uh, defensive. He's a player who does the dirty work, who is typically at his best when he is being least noticed. Problem is, the last couple years he's been easy to notice. His lack of speed and skill is increasingly obvious, and his tendancy to seemingly never advance the ball towards the opposing goal has earned him the nickname "Back-Pass Pete". But here's the big problem - last year he was on the bench for the L.A. Galaxy. Yeah, Beckham's team. The one that sucks. Worst in MLS by the end of last season. And he couldn't crack the starting eleven. His main competition was two guys who have since been cut by the L. A. Fallacy.

So why'd we pick him? Well, probably because he's inexpensive and - what's that you say, internet? Vagenas is the second most expensive player out of 10 chosen by the Sounders? Oh. Um. Well, at least he'll provide a bunch of sixth-graders with easy jokes.

Article by Ness. Moved by M-Pop for Chronological sake.

Reason #47.5: Brooklyn (We Go Hard)

2008-12-04T14:54:00.001-08:00

Great song...I suggest you all use it as the soundtrack to me serving M-Bad and Ness (Please read comments on original post before continuing.)

ALLOW ME TO REINTRODUCE MYSELF, MY NAME IS M-POP!

First off, I don't care if Branyan is cheap. You wouldn't pay 50 cents for a turd sandwich, would you? It doesn't matter how low the price is. It's a waste of money.

Second, you know who else could play 1st, 3rd and DH? Scott Spiezio. Or Tim Tebow. Or me. Anyone but Russell Branyan.

Third, Russell Branyan hits monster jacks. Congrats. When home runs over 400 feet start counting as twice as much as those under, then we sign him.

Since I know you guys loveeeee stats so much, there's some:
SLG: .485
Most HRs in a season: 24 (OOOOO SCARY POWER NUMBERS)
# of Strikeouts in that season: 151 in 378 at bats (That's just a strike out every 2.5 at bats. YES!)
Batting Average: .230
OPS: .320 (Decent...)

If that isn't The Child Molester's Ryan Howard, I don't know what is. According to Baseball Reference, similar hitters include Matt Stairs and Bubba Trammell. YES!

Oh and best of all, at least he's durable. Oh wait...he's played nine seasons and how many times has he made it over a 100 games? Twice? Oh wow. OH WOW.

But you guys are right. Jay-Z knows something everyone else doesn't. It's not like Branyan didn't sit in the minors last year. It's not like he hasn't bounced from team to team. Good thing we didn't make a splashy signing like hmm, I dunno, Mark Teixeira. That would be awful. I'm glad we are sticking to small, meaningless signings that do nothing to either rebuild or improve the club, further sticking the Mariners in the no man's land they've been in the last three to four years.

Oh well, at least his wife's hot...

Reason #47: Russell Branyan

2008-12-03T21:25:00.000-08:00

Well, I'm glad that General Manager Jack Zdurnklafjls (I do know how to spell it...Zduriencik. THERE) still gets "excited" (this is a PG website) by anything having to do with his old club, but jeez, until today I didn't think there was such thing as a poor man's Richie Sexson. I guess that would make Russell Branyan the child molester's Ryan Howard.

.250 average, 12 homers in 132 at bats last year. Whole lot of strikeouts for the career.

Awesome.

Fun Fact: I actually saw big Russ play last year...FOR THE AAA NASHVILLE SOUNDS.

He seemed like a nice enough guy. He even waved to his daughter from the on-deck circle when she cried out, "Daddy!"

And his wife was super hot.

Maybe this wasn't such a bad signing after all...

Reason #46: The Curious Case of Justin Dentmon

2008-11-29T00:29:00.000-08:00

You may have heard about the new Brad Pitt movie, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, which is destined to win an Oscar simply for its special effects. In it, Pitt's character is born an octagerian-looking baby, only to become younger-looking each year as he grows older in age.

Fear not, Justin Dentmon was not born a senior citizen nor is he adopting children from Malaysia with Angelina Jolie. He proudly presents his own type of mystery that needs cracking.

Dentmon appeared on the stage as a highly recruited player from Illinois. He was the point guard to replace Will Conroy. He was the heir apparent to the throne vacated by Nate Rob's early exit to the NBA. He was cool, calm and collected, his demeanor on the court matching his coach's, sleepy expression for sleepy expression.

Dentmon's freshman year was a success. Despite the rough moments like the foul in the final seconds, up 3, on the desperation heave by WHERE YOU NOW YOU ANNOYING PIECE OF Stanford guard Chris Hernadez, which enabled the mighty Tree to tie the game and go on to win, Dentmon brought excitement to the program. This guy had guts. He had heart. He was clutch.

Go to 2:20 of the video and watch. You'll see what I mean.

Look at how he goes to the line and drills clutch free throws to ice the game. Look at the four point play! This kid had arrived. Maybe.

His per game averages were solid, 8.3 points, 3.5 rebounds, 3.8 assists. With Spencer Hawes and a few other top recruits coming in for the 2006-2007 season, those numbers should bounce up, right? Right? Righhhhhhhht?

Well, they did: 10.1, 4.0, 3.6. However, Dentmon's inconsistent play at the point hampered the team down the stretch and they ended up missing the NCAA tournament. Hawes jumps to the league, kids apply to transfer, blah blah blah. Someone was going to have to score more points and it was either going to be Brockman or Dentmon.

Well, it was Brockman. Dentmon not only averaged less points per game but also found himself in Coach Lorenzo Romar's doghouse, getting his minutes diminished for freshman Venoy Overton. He began to look like a deer in the headlights. The guy had obviously lost his mojo. The memories of the freshman sensation had all but disappeared.

What does this prove? That Dentmon misses Brandon Roy. A lot.

Yes, we all know Roy filled up the stat sheet but he also brought confidence to everyone around him. The guy was key to Dentmon's swagger. When he left, it did too. Roy carried everyone on that team as all great players should. Jamal Williams was suddenly a unstoppable force in the post. Bobby Jones was hitting jumpshots from the wing. Mike Jensen got to look like a D1 basketball player! Teams game planned for Roy first and everyone else second. Take that away and Dentmon has struggled.

I have hope for his senior year. In the game vs. Florida, Dentmon scored 14 points in the 1st half, but then frustratingly disappeared in the 2nd, finishing with 17. Still, for a brief stretch of time, he played up to the potential he showed three years ago.

I have no real stat to back this up other than his 20 points in the upset vs. UCLA last year, but I don't really care. Mark my words: In every big Husky win in the last three years, Dentmon has had a good/great game. He is the key to this team and if they want to make the tournament, he needs to play well.

It's time to see that freshman Justin Dentmon once again.

Reason #45: Ty Willingham...AGAIN

2008-11-24T12:57:00.000-08:00

"But M-Pop! You already did Ty Willingham! That's against the rules!"

RULES?!? There are no rules and if there were I'd be the one making 'em. Plus, look, it's a picture of him while he was at Notre Dame so it's completely different.

In case you were watching an important football game this weekend, the UW Huskies cemented their place as the worst team in college football and maybe the worst in Pac-10 history by losing the Apple Cup to the Washington State, 16-13 in 2 OTs. Players, including resident complete badass Jordan White-Frisbee, left the field with tears streaming down their faces. Senior TE Michael Gottlieb got choked up in the post-game press conference. Nate Williams laid prone on the field for a good five minutes after the kick went through.

Play for the Ty Willingham (see what I did there? YEAH!) made two decisions that absolutely killed me. The first and most talked about happened on 4 and 3 on the WSU 36 with 2 minutes left. Instead of giving your team a chance to win the GAME up 10-7, you punt and hope the other team loses it. Punt goes into the endzone, one play later they're back past the 36. Good call! It's not like you'd ran for 224 yards already. It's not like every senior on that offensive line wasn't going to try to kill the guy in front of him to finally win a game.

The play that really got my goat and when I knew that UW was going to lose came in the first overtime. WSU had already kicked a field goal. The Huskies had 3 and 6. Instead of taking a shot, you know, and try to win, they ran the ball and settled for kicking the field goal thus PLAYING NOT TO LOSE! You know what, I would've rather had Fouch throw a pick right there and lose that way then try to play the field goal kicking game. It's extremely comical considering that Tom Osbourne once went for two with a national championship on a line instead of playing for a tie. He failed but at least had his dignity intact. What were you playing for, Ty? You have absolutely nothing to lose. You're already fired!

I respect you as a person, Ty, but as a coach and a leader of men, I'm not so sure anymore. Real classy throwing freshman CB Quinton Richardson under the bus about the 47 yard completion in the final seconds to set up the game tying field goal. You said you didn't know what was going through the young man's head on that play. I'm guessing it was the attitude shown by his head coach every game. Maybe he was trying not to lose, instead of trying to win.

Reason #44: Dancing Groundskeepers

2008-11-21T01:02:00.000-08:00

Dancing with the Stars, it ain't. Somehow, 3 years and countless 3rd inning breaks later, those loveable dancing groundskeepers just can't seem to improve. Yeah, they're not talented, and yeah, they basically have the same routine every time to a different tune. But honestly these guys are pretty much harmless, if a bit (or, depending on how frequently you frequent Mariners games, maybe a lot) old, tired, unexciting. Past their prime. But they don't hurt anyone.

No, the real problem is that these guys regularly get the loudest cheers all night at Safeco Field. I'm having trouble coming up with a word other than 'sad,' but honestly, that pretty much will suffice.

Reason #43: Jermiah Pharms

2008-11-19T20:54:00.000-08:00

Jermiah Pharms is exactly the type of athlete the current Washington Huskies don't have. When he anchored the defense that helped his Huskies win the Rose Bowl and finish 3rd in the nation, you could've used any of the following descriptions for him: Physical. Bruising. Terrifying. Makes You Wet the Bed. Makes You Have Nightmares. Makes Your Nightmares have Nightmares.

Just watch this highlight video of him in high school:

If that's not enough, check out what he did during real games:

Pharms, a 250-pound linebacker from Sacramento, Calif., was a star at the UW. He bench-pressed more than 400 pounds, sported a pit-bull tattoo, and sometimes, during games, locked eyes with an opposing player and proceeded to urinate, the stream darkening his pants. He did this to intimidate. After all, who'd want to go against someone as crazy as that?

Pretty nasty, huh? Even more so when you consider he played all of his senior season with his FINGERPRINTS WERE CONNECTED TO A SHOOTING. Yes, that's right. His fingerprints were on the door handle of the car that was used for the get away. Oh, and the suspect's description was a man of massive build with the initals, J.P.

Hmm. That does kinda sound familar. Give me a second and I may be able to place it.

Oh and of course, UW protected him. He didn't get charged until after he was drafted by the Clevand Browns in the 5th round. He was sentenced to 3 years and 5 months in prison.

In case you were wondering, Pharms didn't graduate and get a degree but really, what are college athletic scholarships about?

Hint: The answer's not "Winning football games"

Reason #42: The Daily Kos

2008-11-19T00:41:00.000-08:00

Huh? What in the blue hells is a sports blog doing calling out the largest liberal politics website on the intertubes? I hear you thousands of you clamoring this very question. Fear not, I have an answer.

Seattle's very best independent sportswriter, Dave Cameron of USSMariner.com, is in a contest for a 10,000 dollar scholarship. The winner of an online poll gets the cash. As he is a student, and still finds time to write passionate and brilliantly about the Mariners (his open letter to Rafael Chavez famously helped King Felix to a great performance, after which he credited the blog), he doesn't get compensated for his work and time. Until a few days ago, Cameron held a comfortable lead in the poll.

Until a little-known political blog, also up for the scholarship but with very few votes, began bombing Daily Kos with pleas to help him win the scholarship simply because he agreed with them politically. The ravenous Kos followers obliged, and their man now sits a few hundred votes in front of Cameron.

GO VOTE FOR DAVE CAMERON. This isn't just about a scholarship. This is about good versus evil. About David versus Goliath. And about baseball versus politics. Need I remind you which is more important? I need. It's baseball. Duh.

Reason #41: Pontius Pilate

2008-11-17T19:57:00.000-08:00

Oops. I meant PORTLAND PILOTS.

Come on! Cut me a break. Those guys look super similar and they both have done some crucifying as of late if you know what I mean...yeah? yeah? yeah?

Aw. Too soon? TOO BAD! The Portland Pilots hung Jon Brockman and Co. out to dry to the tune of a 80-74 disgrace of a game in which the Invisible Man a.k.a. Quincy Pointdexter did jack diddly poo ONCE AGAIN.

How do you play 25 minutes and SCORE 0 POINTS? If Brockman hadn't ripped off his shirt to show the S on his chest to the tune of 30 points and 14 rebounds, the Huskies would have been blown out. BY PORTLAND.

Great school. Great city. But the only thing they should beat UW in is potheads per capita.

Oh and that whole improvment on the free throws thing...yeah...about that. 60% is not good. You know what's worse? 3-16 from 3 Point range. You know, I never thought I'd say it but...I miss Ryan Applaklsjflkasdjflafklsdj

Sorry. That was me driving my skull into my keyboard.

Reason #40: Ronnie Fouch

2008-11-16T22:58:00.000-08:00

There's a reason you can't spell Fouch without the 'ouch.'Selected statistics for Washington QB Ronnie Fouch, 2008

Pass attempts: 227
Pass completions: 99
Touchdown passes: 4
Interceptions: 11
QB efficiency rating: 85.0
Rushing yards: -95
Wins: nope
Losses: yup
Curses of 'dammit, Ronnie' induced: 15,006
Emotion Jake Locker feels when watching Ronnie Fouch: >:(

Reason #39: Tim Lincecum

2008-11-13T21:00:00.000-08:00

Awful baseball team seeking likable young man, preferably a pitcher, between the ages of 23 and 25 years old. Must be from the area, preferably attending both high school and college in the same greater metropolitan zone as the team in question. Must have goofy smile, goofy hair, goofy windup and a Cy Young in his 2nd season while striking out 265 batters. Interests should include: being unhittable, being a fan favorite and getting on the cover of video games.

Brandon Marrow need not apply

Reason #38.5

2008-11-13T18:20:00.000-08:00

"Allright Ness, I don't think you knew the Bedard trade was a bad idea. No one did at the time. We didn't know he was a classless douchebag until he showed up in Seattle. Besides, Adam Jones sucks...really, he does. He is not that good." -ttzby13

I'd like to thank the commenter on the below post for allowing me to have a bit of fun. Rarely is a person wrong in so many ways in such a short period of time, so I salute you.

"I don't think you knew the Bedard trade was a bad idea" Nope. I was against it from the first rumor. I have an Adam Jones sign in my room. I have records of multiple emails I sent after the Bedard trade went down, most containing profanity and angry faces. If reader 'mbad' comes thru, he has my back on this.

"No one did at the time." Well, since I did, that's false, but a lot of other Mariners fans with more knowledge than me did as well. Here's one. Hey, here's another. And they're the two smartest guys in the Mariners blogosphere. Whaddya know.

"he was a classless douchebag" Huh? Because he doesn't answer the media's questions? As someone who knows the sports media pretty dang well, I can tell you that many of those reporters tread the line from inane to downright offensive, so I respect him for not taking their crap. But because he does this, he gets bad stuff written and said about him, calling him things like classless. By all accounts, away from the stadium he's a soft-spoken, humble, friendly guy. So put that in the 'wrong' column.

"Adam Jones sucks..." Now you're just being silly. Adam Jones is 23. He had 37 XBH's in 132 games, hit .270. Know what RZR is? A measure of who covers the most ground in the outfield. Know who was the best at it last year? Adam Jones. He has the biggest range in baseball. I repeat - he's 23. Do ya like Alex Rios? Because that's Jones in 3-4 years barring injuries. Either you are wildly, hilariously wrong, or you just have a huge definition of the word 'suck.' By your standards, maybe Albert Pujols is kinda alright at baseball and Ray Charles would have made a passable lounge singer.

Hey, that was fun. Remember, readers - this blog welcomes your comments!

Reason #38: Chip Hale

2008-11-12T21:13:00.001-08:00

Of the seven men who are vying for the job of Mariners manager for the next two years until they get fired because we still suck, Chip Hale is an unlikely one. He's currently a 3rd base coach in the National League, and his only managerial credentials came with 3 years at AAA Tucson. He won manager of the year in '07, but mostly because Arizona's minor leagues were so stacked then that they would have roasted today's Mariners in a 7 game series. So what does Mr. Hale have to say about why he should be our next fearless leader?

"My thing is, play the game the right way... I played under Tom Kelly in Minnesota and the thing he used to preach is 'Respect the game.' I came through that system. We just did things the right way."

So does that mean wearing socks and shoes at EVERY game, not riding bicycles around the bases (sorry, Yuni and Jose), not drawing swastikas in the infield dirt...? What the hell does 'respect the game' really mean? That's just a vague phrase like the 'war on terror' which sounds important and all but specifically refers to exactly nothing. Hmm. So much for brilliant strategy. How's his player evaluation skills? Wait, hang on - per Geoff Baker, "For the record, he thought the Erik Bedard trade was a good one for the M's and made sense."

Um. What. My dog knew that trade didn't make any sense, though admittedly he's a very smart dog. So, uh, why exactly should we be considering hiring Mr. Chip Hale again...

He was a scrappy white infielder with no baseball skills whatsoever??? Done. Sold. Signed sealed and delivered, uh huh.

Reason #37: Ricky Williams

2008-11-10T18:17:00.000-08:00

Wow. Did someone replace the grass in the end zone at Dolphin Stadium with the chronic? Did Snoop Dogg draw up some trick plays out of the Wildcat Formation? Were Cheech and Chong playing safety for the Seahawks? Oops, that was Brian Russell, which is probably a little worse than two 70 year old stoners.

Ok, I'm out of pot jokes but golly gee whiz, Ricky Williams just ran for 105 yards and a touchdown, busting out in a 21-19 victory over the Hawks like his cleavage in this wedding dress.

It was for the first time he went over a hundred yards since the last game of 2005 season. Do you know what's happened since 2005? The United States elected a black president! That's how much the world has changed. Good lord. Get with the times, Seattle. Racism isn't cool anymore and neither is Ricky Williams going beast mode.

Reason #36: Scott Boras

2008-11-06T23:34:00.001-08:00

Can't you just see the dollar signs in his eyes?

Bora$, baseball's super-agent, was instrumental in taking Alex Rodriguez away from Seattle. Reportedly* during the brief negotiations Bora$ asked for "a metric ass-ton of money." That didn't happen, so off to Texas (and eventually New York) A-Rod went. But taking away Seattle's last true superstar wasn't enough for Bora$. Oh, no.

Now he's back to take away our Willie Bloomquist.

Noooooooo! You demon, Boras, you demon! Not Willie, our jack-of-all-trades local boy! Not the god of grit and the hero of hustle! Not the man who gives 110% even though it is physically impossible and some day will kill him! Oh, Willie, you don't realize what you're doing. All the tens of millions of dollars you're bound to recieve can buy you happiness, but they can't buy you a place in the hearts of your loyal fans. Remember that, Willie. Remember.

(*as reported by my imagination)

Reason #35: David Jones

2008-11-06T00:14:00.000-08:00

Good news! The University of Washington Basketball team received 19 points in the pre-season AP poll, putting the team in the solid position of being unofficially ranked 35th in the nation.

Bad News! 17 of the points came from one man who ranked us 9th in the nation, no other than Mr. David Jones of the Harrisburg, P.A. Patriot News, who accord to this website, created the worst pre-season poll of any writer who has ever lived.

Look, I sip the Husky Kool-Aid about as much as anyone but there is no way in Pullman (or Hell, take your pick) that they should be ranked anywhere above 20th and that's a huge stretch. This team is filled with guys who have proven nothing, other than the big fella in the middle, Jon Brockman.

Check it out some of Jones' "daring moves":

Oklahoma:
Jones Rank: 3rd
AP Rank: 12th

Gonzaga:
Jones Rank: 25th
AP Rank: 10th

Michigan State:
Jones Rank: 22nd
AP Rank: 6th

M-Pop and the Funky Bunch
Jones Rank: 1st
AP Rank: SHUT YO MOUTH, YOU FREAKIN' HACK. CAN SOMEONE PLEASE TAKE AWAY THIS GUY'S MEMBERSHIP? LORD ALMIGHTY

I will say this: If Jones turns out to be Miss Cleo up in here and the Huskies prove themselves worthy of a Top Ten ranking at any time this year, I will print out this post and eat it, sans any condiments other than hot sauce.

Delicious.

Reason #34: The murder of Ed McMichael

2008-11-04T23:17:00.000-08:00

If you've been to a few Sonics, Mariners or Seahawks games over the years, you have seen and probably appreciated Ed McMichael without knowing it. Ed was the Tuba Guy, the man sitting outside the arena or stadium before and after almost every sporting event. He was recognized by all. The Tuba Guy could have played in a band but instead chose to play solo, frequently in the cold, to collect tips and smiles from strangers. He would play slowly and sad after losses, and joyously after victories. He was one of the best known, if not the very best, sports fan in the city over the last 15 or so years.

It saddens me greatly that I have to use the past tense in describing him. On October 25 he was attacked by a group, beaten, kicked and robbed. He died from his injuries two days ago.

I don't want to dwell on the type of lowlifes that would attack and effectively murder a 53 year old man. Karma will have their own way of getting back to them, and it will be swift and painful. No, I'd rather remember Ed. I've seen him more times than I can count - I had given him friendly smiles many times, change occasionally and a spare ticket once. He was a bright spot after the most miserable of Mariner or Sonic losses. I want a memorial to this man, whose contributions to the Seattle sports scene could never be measured but were undeniably apparent and wonderful. I want a big brass tuba monument between Safeco and Quest Fields, beside which other buskers can play to their hearts content. Here's to the Tuba Guy.

You can send donations to this address.
Edward the Tuba Man McMichael Memorial Fund
P.O. Box 4985
Federal Way 98063

Reason #33: Because Venoy Overton Can't Do This

2008-11-03T23:35:00.000-08:00

Reason #32: North Texas University

2008-11-02T21:18:00.000-08:00

They're the next college football powerhouse, I'm telling you. Led by sensational sophomore quarterback and part time Italian mobster Giovanni Vizza, the North Texas Mean Green are on a roll. They're tough and mean, and are about to make other college programs green with envy. After last week's 51-40 thrill ride, with four touchdowns passed for by V-to-the-izz-A, who would deny North Texas their place among college footballs elite?

Uh, everyone, that's who. Because it was the first win on the season for North Texas, and it came over fellow awful team Western Kentucky.

However, both North Texas and Western Kentucky have one thing in common - they're won a game this season. In fact, they share this honor with every other major program in the country. Except for one. That would be the formerly proud and mighty University of Washington. With North Texas's win this weekend, the Huskies are the only remaining major college program without a football win. They are the worst team in the country.

aaaaughghghghghg

Reason #31: Joey Cora Crying

2008-10-30T20:24:00.000-07:00

"Dad, is everybody still going to cheer for them even though they lost?"

"Of course. It's been a great ride."

Nuff said.

Reason #30: Gregg Popovich

2008-10-30T00:44:00.000-07:00

Let's get the obvious out of the way. Popovich coached the San Antonio Spurs to victory over the Sonics in the 2005 playoffs, with Ray Allen's buzzer-beating shot clanging off to end Game 6, the series and Seattle's most recent run in the professional basketball playoffs. He also turned Bruce Bowen from a moderately bad small forward into an evil ankle-stomping cyborg. But that's not why he's on this list. Nor is it that he consistantly produces the least entertaining basketball to watch since the Washington Generals intra-squad scrimmages.

No, the reason Popovich is listed is because this is no longer funny.

Fouling the big fella five seconds into the game? Watching Shaq stand there, dumbfounded like Mongo from Blazing Saddles, and finally getting the joke? Nope. Not funny. Not even close. Because I hate you, Shaq. Kazaam was awful and your raps are the single worst noises to ever be recorded onto compact discs. I hate you, Greg Popovich. Your beard is ridiculous and your team is boring. I hate you, large association of basketball teams that pay players money. You are stupid. Nyeah nyeah.

Reason #29: Trading Jamie Moyer

2008-10-28T21:06:00.001-07:00

Jamie Moyer is one of the biggest class acts in all of baseball and as you can see from the picture, is really missing Seattle right now. He won the Lou Gerhig, Roberto Clemente and Branch Rickey Awards all over a two year period, 2003-2004. He was an All-Star and a critical part of the run of quality Mariner teams in the early 2000s, winning 20 games twice and finishing in the Top 6 of the Cy Young voting three times.

Who did Bill Bavasi get for him? Andrew Baldwin and Andrew Barb. Never heard of them? Neither have I. Who foaming at the bit to make the trade? Why, only the architect of that mini-dynasty, former Mariners GM Pat Gillick, who unlike Bavasi, can read. And write. And count to 20 without taking off his shoes.

After watching Moyer go 16-7 with a 3.71 ERA for the Phillies this past year, it's pretty clear that the man was not washed up and will not be in the foreseeable future. The man pitched 6 1/3 strong innings in his first and possibly last World Series start...WITH ANAL LEAKAGE. Yes, that's right. This is not a rumor. Here is what his wife, Karen, had to say:

"It was so bad I had to change the sheets twice. He ruined two pillows. Our comforter is at the cleaners right now."

His son got in on the hi-jinks too:

"Know how the bloody sock went to the Hall of Fame? Our toilet seat should go to the Hall of Fame"

Good lord. How could you not let this man end his career in Seattle? He is everything we as a city stand for. Get your ring, Jamie.

Reason #28: Charlie Weis

2008-10-28T00:09:00.000-07:00

Nice knowin' ya, Ty.

So you thought you'd seen the worst pass. Surely UW had to be headed toward some sort of rebound, with a embarrassing record of 0-6 and a big game - if a winless team can have one - against Notre Dame. Maybe they wouldn't win, but it had to be close, right? It would be a game for the UW football team to gain an iota of respect, putting them at exactly one iota.

By the third quarter, with the Huskies trailing 24-o and with under 50 total yards of offense, that goal had flew out the window. All there was left was to try and avoid getting completely humiliated. But the Huskies, a team in decline faster than the stock market, couldn't manage that either. On 4th and 13, and Notre Dame with the ball in their own friggin territory, head coach Charlie Weis decided to stab a knife into the UW gut. More like a pin into the UW pincushion, actually, since there have been several already stabbed in.

Weis called for the fake punt, and after it went for 30 something yards - inevitable, really - UW bowed their heads in shame yet again. They had been handed the ultimate disrespect, and they took it. It was the crap cherry on the crap ice cream sundae of a season.

Here's a catchy slogan. UW football '08: There Is No Floor.

Reason #27: OKC vs. LAL

2008-10-24T23:52:00.000-07:00

You used to be our token white guy, Nick Collison.

I never thought three letters could hurt me so bad (I always figured it would take at least four or five) but flipping on ESPN to see that OKC at the bottom of the screen broke my little heart.

But then Andrew Bynum dunked all over Johan Petro and I felt better. It turns out that if you sucked in one city, then you probably still suck in another less populated, less educated, less money making, LESS COOL city.

Is 10-72 too much to ask for?

Reason #26: Jim McIlvaine

2008-10-23T20:25:00.000-07:00

The goal of every sports franchise is to build a dynasty, a team that competes in its arena of play at an extremely high level, perennial contenders for a championship. It takes foresight, it takes creative thinking, and it takes a little bit of luck. A dynasty is an incredibly hard thing to create.

But all it takes to undo one is 85 inches.

That’s the height of Jim McIlvaine, the 7’1” former Seattle center that casual Sonics fans have long since forgotten, and that hardcore fans would like to forget. You see, after the 1996 season in which the Sonics were denied the NBA title by the Bulls, the best team the NBA’s ever seen, McIlvaine was a free agent. At the same time, superstar Sonic Shawn Kemp was asking for a salary increase, one which he deserved to keep up with the rapid escalation of contract sizes. But the team instead gave McIlvaine, who had averaged under 3 points and 3 rebounds that season, the keys to the vault.

You don’t do that. You just never, ever do that. If you have an immensely talented, relatively young player that just took you to the Finals and can do it again, you pay him. No questions asked. You don’t give an unproven shot-block specialist priority over Shawn Friggin Kemp. He and Gary Payton were the dream duo – Kemp was the peanut butter to Payton’s jelly, the Coke to his rum. They were the best two players the franchise had ever seen, and they were broken up because to a few misguided people, Jim McIlvaine deserved the big money more.

The result of the story is a tragend - tragic legend – the Sonics never again made the Finals, McIlvaine was an enormous bust, never averaging more than 4 points or 4 rebounds per game, and Kemp was traded away the following year. The Reign Man’s career would never again be the same, as he battled weight problems, alcohol and an addiction to a different kind of coke.

That 1996 season would be the last peak in the history of Seattle professional basketball. The rest that followed was a slow downhill death spiral into oblivion. And Jim McIlvaine, all 85 inches of him, was one of the many factors that caused the downfall of the Sonics.

Reason #25: Jack Zduriencik

2008-10-22T21:08:00.000-07:00

Congrats on the hire, Jack. I hate you already. Leave it to the Mariners to screw up the most simple of tasks: getting a new GM. If Howard Lincoln had watched baseball in the past 10 years, he would know that when it comes to putting someone in charge of your team, there is one and only one rule:

HIRE THE YOUNGEST KID YOU CAN FIND.

Just look at the ALCS. Theo Epstein just got his driver's license and Andrew Friedman just started shaving. So what do the M's do? They hire some wrinkly, balding old man who probably was alive during the Carter Administration.

You know who they should've hired? Twelve year old Billy Heywood.

Except this time around if Ken Griffey Jr. robs you of a home run, you can't still marry his mom, you ginger tool.

Reason #24: Hiroshi Yamauchi

2008-10-22T00:25:00.000-07:00

Ah, Mr. Hiroshi Yamauchi. Can I call you Yama?
I'll take that as a yes. So, Yama, I don't want to sound ungrateful here, my man. After all, you did purchase majority control of the Mariners in '92 and helped keep the team from jetting off to Florida or some place. And you did a ton of great stuff for Nintendo in the 80's and early 90's - I've got you to thank for Donkey Kong becoming a smash hit.

But Yama, would it kill you to come to a game of the team you own once in a while? Ok, how about once - ever? No? Can't do it? Dude, you're like the 150th richest person in the world, and you can't hop a plane across the Pacific to catch a game. I mean, you could buy a team of dolphins and have them tow you to Seattle on a chocolate raft if you wanted. So what's the deal?

And if you aren't that interested in the Mariners - alright, can't blame ya there, given the last 5 years - what's up with the Kenji Johjima signing? 3 years, 24 million for a oldish bad hitting, meh defense catcher - when our best hitting prospects play the same position. Now, I know Bill Bavasi trying to make big signings is about as intelligent as Napoleon trying to invade Russia. But even he wouldn't have signed Johjima on his own. So how about, when we get Jack Z as our new GM, you let him stick to baseball and you stick to counting your piles of money, alright? Thanks Yama, I knew you'd understand.

Reason #23: Cody Bruns

2008-10-20T21:06:00.000-07:00

Cody Bruns on Cody Bruns:
I run crisp routes and have good body control. I can go up and catch the rock. That's my objective. I feel like I'm a technician on the field.

I'm actually not going to make fun of him for saying that because it's completely true. Cody Bruns set about a bajillion records while at Prosser High School, including setting the Washinton State mark for career touchdowns (72), career catches (310) and career yards (5,178). Those totals rank, respectievly, 3rd, 2nd and 2nd NATIONALLY all-time.

Seriously, think about that for a second. How many people play high school football? Just about every NBA, MLB and NFL Hall of Famer did and none of them, not Jerry Rice, Allen Iverson or Rollie Fingers came close to the 38th ranked WR in the class of 2008.

Why was Bruns 38th/why in the world would he sign with the UW Huskies if he was so legit? Well, because the dude is tiny. I'm talking 5-11/168 tiny.

Still, the news of his signing pumped me up. Finally, UW had a protypical "WHITE SLOT RECIEVER" for Jake to throw to. I mean, if this guy played in Boston, they'd probably like him more than one of the greatest recievers of all time but not because he was white, you know, but because he hustles and is gritty WHICH HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH RACE SO STOP IT JUST STOP IT OK?!

Who cares if Bruns is tiny? That's what a redshirt year is for. Get him huge. Get him jacked. No way does he see the field in 2008. Build for the future.

And by future, I mean, when you're already down 34-7 to Arizona in a game that means absolutely nothing. Ty, you are a genius. Put him in during the 3rd quarter of the 5th game of the season, down 27, but only for 3 plays after eight other WRs have already been used. Burn that redshirt like it was a book promoting free speech.

At least Bruns will get to see a lot of action this season. He'll see a lot of balls thrown his way, get used to the speed and the physicality of the college game. It will be a trial by fire!

Wait, what did you say, Mr. Willingham? Bruns played ZERO snaps vs. Oregon State because he "hurt his hammy"? Oh, ok. How about you kick him in the balls next week? That way we'll hit the trifecta.

Reason #22: The Tampa Bay Rays

2008-10-20T08:39:00.001-07:00

The Tampa Bay Rays are an emblem of all that is good in baseball. If you didn't cheer like mad for them to get the Red Sox, you should check in with a doctor because you might not have a heart. With that said...

Rays: Founded 1998, made WS in 2008
Diamondbacks: Founded 1998, made WS in 2001
Marlins: Founded 1993, made WS in 1997
Rockies: Founded 1993, made WS in 2007
Blue Jays: Founded 1977, made WS in 1992

Now that Tampa has made ESPN executives cry by eliminating the Red Socked ones and moving on to play for the 'world' championship, every expansion team since the Mariners were founded has made it to the World Series already. Three of those teams won it all, two won it all twice. Seattle has never been.

Mariners: Founded 1977, made WS in 2077

***EDIT***

Reason #21: The 2008 Seattle Seahawks

2008-10-18T20:20:00.000-07:00

The old logo is so sad...and appropriate

Let's play a fun game AND make a new top ten. This time the theme is...

You know your favorite NFL team sucks when...

You start a quarterback the Cleveland Browns didn't want
You're so desperate that you re-sign a WR you cut for character issues who, a year after being released, led the police on a high-speed car chase. WHILE DRUNK.
Your franchise QB makes this commercial and you wonder if it still happens to him in Seattle:
Your roster looks like some kid got on Madden and renamed all of the players after some of his buddies.
The Arizona Cardinals are going to win your division.
Your head coach looks like a walrus.
Your secondary proves that Jason Sehorn did not kill off the endangered species known as The White Safety
It seems logical that Deion Branch's next injury will come from rolling out of bed or trying to change a tire.
Texas A&M doesn't even want the 12th Man back anymore.
Bill Simmons writes about how bad you are...and then apologizes because it's like kicking a puppy at this point. A very ugly and crippled puppy.

Reason #20: Scott Spiezio

2008-10-17T23:46:00.000-07:00

Oh this one is just too easy.

Scott Spiezio will be remembered for, among other things, being the biggest tool in Mariners history. In 8 months as an M, he managed 4 home runs and racked up a sub - .200 batting average, causing baseball statisticians to consider renaming baseball's benchmark of batting futility the Spiezioza Line. He came from Anaheim where he'd won a World Series, sucked in Safeco for a spell, and went off to St. Louis to win another Series. Oh, yeah - while in St. Louis, he did this.

That's right - deciding that growing out a big ol' soul patch wasn't offensive enough, and didn't accurately display his personality, Spiezio decided to dye it red to match his team colors. I suppose if you're going to have a giant tattoo of a stripper on your arm, you might as well go all out when it comes to style and taste. Or rather, complete and utter lack of style and taste.

Scott Spiezio, I salute you, and by salute I mean 'I hope to never have to see your face, soul patch or tattoo in real life, because I'll probably start laughing uncontrollably and possibly hurt my sides."

Reason #19: The Mitchell Report

2008-10-16T21:34:00.000-07:00

My main finding: Bud Selig did not take HGH.

If you weren't doing steroids in the '90s, you weren't trying.

Who was the biggest name Mariner named in the Mitchell Report? David Segui. Who? Exactly. Other than fatty extraordinaire Ron Villone, he was the only one putting in an effort to get the M's to the promised land. Forget your health and your testicles, somethings, like a World Series Ring, are far more important.

Maybe I could swallow this lack of effort if I didn't feel...I guess the word I'm looking for is shafted. I'm wearing a man's jersey right now as I type this, a man who, in the words of Yung Jeezy, put in on for my city. Gosh darn it, it's time you got some cred. Stand up and take a bow!

Yummmmmm, I just love frosted tips. Bret Boone, you changed my fanhood forever. I believed in you. If weightlifting could help you put up 37 homers and 141 RBIs in 2001, then surely it could help me hit a few more out of the park, and by out of the park, I mean liners in the gap that kept rolling because my Little League fields didn't always have fences, thank you very much.

It turns out countless (3 sets of 25) pushups don't turn you into a 6 foot tall twelve year old. And turns out you juiced, no matter what some crotchety old man says. Now when I wear this American League All-Star jersey, you remind me of how I really am...and that's constantly pissed off. TAKE IT AWAY NICKELBACK!

Reason #18: The Mariners Tugboat

2008-10-15T21:04:00.001-07:00

Ladies and gentlemen, I've figured it out. The mind-boggling streak of futility that our favorite baseball team is on is not due to incompetent ownership and executives. It isn't due to not understanding how important team defense is, or that you can acquire good pitching without spending stupid money in free agency, or that getting on base via a walk is actually an ok thing to do. (I'm looking at you, Yuni.) No, all these years, we've been lacking one precious ingredient that will surely catapult us to the World Series.

A bullpen car shaped like a tugboat.

What were we THINKING when we made that beautiful thing go away? Who made that decision, the same guy who gives Eric Bedard advice on dealing with the media? The Mariners tugboat must return, people. JJ Putz will only return to form when he is loaded into that little barge, and delivered to the mound to the sound of 'Thunderstruck' and thousands of fans cheering. Just think how much fresher his legs will be! It's even got an American flag, so nobody will accuse us Seattleites of being unpatriotic. The Mariners Tugboat is clearly the best idea in the history of ever.

Reason #17: Jordan Farmar

2008-10-14T21:12:00.000-07:00

Oops.
There we go.

Really, I got no beef with Jordan Farmar, the man who flaps his ears to dunk. Without him, I would have never known the joy that came from this:

Even though the Huskies have had more talented (2005) and seriously just straight up better teams (2006), UCLA has been able to get over the hump and into the Final Four, oh, I don't know, every single freakin' year while UW cannot and will not get past the Sweet Sixteen. Ever. If you can't do it with with this guy holding down the boards, you never will.

I love you, Zane.

Reason #16: Rodney Stuckey

2008-10-13T21:48:00.000-07:00

I'm a huge, huge fan of Rodney Stuckey. I watched him play for Kentwood in high school at a holiday basketball tournament and was incredibly excited for his future as a college baller. Dude was just way outclassing everyone else on the court. Coach Lorenzo Romar of UW was interested in him, he was interested in UW. He would team up with the remainder of a solid Huskies team and lead them back to the NCAA tournament. At least, that's what I thought.

Rodney Stuckey enrolled at Eastern Washington. Apparently Stuckey wasn't the brightest crayon in the box, because he couldn't get the grades necessary to get him into the UW and a Huskies uniform. Now, it's hard to be mad about this - how can you blame UW for having high academic standards? Regardless, this isn't something that's going to go away. The Huskies will miss out on some of the top prospects due to non-basketball reasons. That's just the way it goes. But damn, could we have used a guy talented enough to be the #15 pick in the NBA draft.

Since the NBA is dead to us in Seattle, the only way Stuckey will become relevant again is if he starts a blog. Maybe he could take some advice from Buffalo RB Marshawn Lynch on his literary career. I quote from Lynches blog: "i cant find da words to say how happy i am 4 beatin dem bay boys da 1st time i played dem. it was a fun and hella close game... shots out 2 j roc" jamarcus russell" and darren mcfadden. town biz! lol" Perhaps Stuckey can follow in Lynches footsteps. He clearly has the intellect to do it.

Reason #15: John Halama

2008-10-12T20:42:00.001-07:00

If you point that finger at me one more time, John Halama, I WILL BITE IT OFF!

John Halama had one talent that allowed him to be a Major League baseball player and that talent was pissing me off. No, seriously, I'm not sure how this guy cut it in the majors. Let me make an completely arbitrary gut-call here and say that unlike the wise sage, Jamie Moyer, who throws soft because his huge brain weighs him down too much to throw 90+ mph, John Halama made a choice to throw like yo mama after I work her out. Yeah, I went there. After our "bullpen sessions", I make yo mama throw a mid-80s sinking fastball with nasty movement and a nice 12-6 curve.

The main thing I remember about John Halama is that he once said baseball was a job and that's all it meant to him. I feel that is a pretty good attitude for a garbage man...ahem...sanitation specialist but if you get paid to play a sport for a living, even if it's one you hate like bocci ball, it's probably a good idea to keep your mouth shut since there are about a million people that would cut off their little toe to switch with you.

At least he was a real friendly guy. Here's an interview transcript with him:

Q. How have you done against the Yankees in the past?

JOHN HALAMA: You guys have the statistics. Look at them.

Q. Did you come to Yankee Stadium --

JOHN HALAMA: No.

Q. Never?

JOHN HALAMA: Never came to Yankee Stadium. Went to one Met game my whole life.

Q. Where did you live in Brooklyn?

JOHN HALAMA: I live in Brooklyn.

Q. Where?

JOHN HALAMA: It's irrelevant.

I feel ya, John. I hate when reporters try to do their job. Too bad you sucked at yours.

Reason #14: Rally Fries

2008-10-11T19:50:00.000-07:00

A theme of the Mariners over the years is a tendency to let potentially good and intelligent ideas hang around so long that they lose whatever value they had and become stupid and unnecessary. Such is the case with the rally fries.

The rally fry 'phenomenon' began when during a game at Safeco Field last June, one particularly ambitious fan along the baseline tried to grab a foul ball but spilled his fries on the field in the process. The Mariner broadcasters Dave Sims and Mike Blowers, taking pity on this person, had a presumably unpaid intern bring the fan free fries. It was a nice gesture, and amusing for all watching on TV. The next night, a fan brought a sign asking for free fries as well. The broadcasters thought this was amusing, sent them free french fries and everyone got another good laugh. If it had ended here, everything would have been just fine.

But it kept going.

It turned into an every-game thing, and for a week or two that was kind of cool - kind of. By August, it was old. By September, it was stupid. By next July, it was still going and still stupid. Painfully idiotic signs and costumes were being rewarded with free four-dollar fries. Hopefully the rally fries phenomenon can die a long-overdue death over this winter, along with the Mariners policy of signing exclusively crappy veteran players.

Don't think it's a big deal? Here are some of the most recent atrocities to have been awarded free fries. The problem is clear.

Reason #13: David Arias

2008-10-10T22:17:00.001-07:00

The name doesn't ring a bell? Perhaps you know him better as...

DAVID MOTHERFING ORTIZ
Career Stats:
BA: .287
HRs: 289
RBIs: 969

But back in the day before he changed his name, he was just a Player to Be Named Later in a trade for 28 games worth of this guy...

DAVE MOTHERFING HOLLINS

Still not even close to the worst Mariners trade of my lifetime...

Reason #12: Giorgio Chinaglia

2008-10-09T18:45:00.000-07:00

We're getting on the way back machine for this one. We're going back to a time when everything was funky, the Mariners barely existed, and Rod Stewart had the number 1 song in America. Let's go back to 1977... and the glory days of the North American Soccer League.

For those of you that don't recognize the smiling face on the left, shame on you. That would be Edson Arantes do Nascimento, more commonly known as Pele, the Brazilian widely considered the greatest soccer player of all time. To say that he was soccer's Michael Jordan is flattering MJ. In 1977, Pele was finishing his final year of 3 with the New York Cosmos, who had imported many of the greatest soccer players of the day - Franz Beckenbauer, Chinaglia, Carlos Alberto. The Cosmos were a force to be reckoned with, and cruised into the Soccer Bowl championship match with all the confidence in the world, and a serious mission - to send Pele off into retirement with the championship that had thus far eluded him.

Of course, their opponents in the Soccer Bowl would be the Seattle Sounders. Led by rookie of the year Jimmy McAllister and a whole bunch of players you've probably never heard of, the Sounders squeaked into the playoffs with a 14-12 record. They were good, no question - they beat England side Chelsea in a match that year. Playing in the Kingdome and drawing bigger crowds than a very bad expansion Mariners team, the Sounders - a soccer team in America - were the hot ticket of the town. And they stayed hot through the playoffs, all the way to the final. It may have seemed destined to be a Cosmos victory, but the Sounders ignored the stars - they wanted to bring Seattle a championship.

Since this is Seattle, of course, the final would not go as well as the team hoped. A brain-fart mistake by the Sounders keeper gifted the Cosmos an early goal, but Seattle would tie the match. With time running out and the penalty shootout in sight - at which point the championship would be up for grabs - fate intervened. Giorgio Chinaglia, the brilliant Italian striker loved by the Cosmos fans and reviled by those from every other city, headed in a cross to put the Cosmos up 2-1, which would be the winning margin. Chinaglia would later go on to ruin the Italian team SS Lazio and later be arrested for money laundering. Little punk.

It was a storybook finish - the multicultural, attacking New York side winning it for their retiring star, defeating the defensive-minded, predominately white and English Sounders.

Unless, of course, the reader of the storybook was a Seattle citizen.

Reason #11: A Word From Our Sponsors

2008-10-07T20:29:00.001-07:00

And by sponsors, I mean a fellow irate Seattle sports fan. If you'd like to sound off on something, or a lot of things, that are getting your goat having to do with that top left corner of the United States, send it to seattlesports206@gmail.com. I may read it or I may just send it Spike Lee to prove how racist you are (THAT'S THE ONLY REASON ANYONE LIKES WILLIE BLOOMQUIST...IT'S WHITE GUY HUSTLE SYNDROME)

Anyways, Meet Tone. Tone looks like this:
Err...

Yeah, that's probably more appropriate considering Tone's thoughts on Seattle sports. Just hold on, buddy.

Here it goes:

Tone on how he feels about the state of Seattle Sports:

There’s a reason that my favorite athletes don’t play in Seattle. There’s a reason that I’ve spent the past six years of my life following Duke basketball more passionately than the Sonics, Seahawks, and Mariners combined. It’s that deep down, we know that once the newest superstar emerges, it is just a matter of time before he leaves the Emereald City, and heads somewhere that gives a ****.

Anybody that comes to Seattle to play knows that this is the environment. They know that if they start winning, they will get some support, but when it goes south, expect the upper bowl of Key Arena to be vacant barring Friday night, when they bus in what seems to be every public high school for a discounted price and a slot on the Jumbotron when they introduce the groups in attendance.

(Sorry, Tone. No swearing. Can't have little kids telling Howard Lincoln to shove his **** up his own ***)

Tone on getting his heart broken:

I remember the day. I always will. February 10th, 2000. My dad told me the news that morning when I woke up. “Junior got traded to the Reds,” he said. I couldn’t believe it. Junior had saved baseball in Seattle just five years ago, and had had a stadium built FOR HIM less than 8 months earlier. But, he couldn’t be convinced. He was 10 and 5 and could veto/demand a trade to anywhere he desired. We had lost the greatest athlete our city had ever seen and likely the greatest athlete we will ever see in our lifetime.

Some say that there was no way you could have held on to Junior at the time. “He wanted to go home!” Bull****. “He wanted to be close to his family!’ Bull****. “He wanted to play for a contender!” Double-Bull****! You want to know why Junior left? He was tired of dealing with our city and the attitude we have towards our sports teams. “But Tone, what are you talking about? Remember 1995? Remember 2001? And look at Qwest Field!!! We have one of the loudest stadiums in the NFL!” ’95 and ’01 are perfect examples of why players don’t want to stay here. They see what we can be as a city, if we support our teams.

But then when you take a look at SAFECO field this year, while the M’s are trailing the Angels, in mid-July, by more than 20 games, and its hard to pick out the fans among the seats, that’s when our true colors shine through. When the two “hip” 35 year old, six figure earning, triple caramel macchiato drinking, Gucci shade wearing, ******* sit down in front of me in the bottom of the 2nd, and leave in the top of the 5th because they “just wanted to view the architecture of the stadium” it draws an accurate picture of what the Seattle fan is deep down. In all honesty, 90% of the people that attend Seattle sporting events, particularly Mariner games, could give a flying **** if the M’s win or lose. They just want to make sure they beat traffic after the game so they can head to Thumpers in time for a cold beer and a cute boy to look at.

Tone on Ichiro:

“Ok fine Tone, but what about Ichiro!?!? He’s been here for 8 years now and has been one of the best players in the game and is signed through 2012.” Here is what I have to say about Ichiro. I could give a rat’s ass about him because he could give a rat’s ass about the Win and Loss column. I am glad to say that I have not been blinded by his Zen and massive douchery that he exhibits on a yearly basis. The reason Ichiro doesn’t have any inclination to leave is because he has no inclination to win, or to exert any energy in order to win a ballgame. The guy is one of the most talented players to ever wear a Mariner’s jersey, but that jersey has never once been dirtied due to a headfirst slide. That’s right, go look through the archives and find me a clip of Ichrio Suzuki, a man making 18 million dollars a year, which is 3 million a month, which is 750,000 dollars a week, and the guy won’t lay out for his pitcher or the other 24 guys on the club or any of the now 5 managers he has played under in just 8 years.

Any coincidence that this team has plummeted since he has shown up in 2001? Don’t tell me we set a single year record for wins because of the Japanese right fielder who tugs on his shirt every now and then. Sure he was A.L. MVP, but he has put up numbers like that in years where we **** the bed. We won 116 games that year because of gritty guys like Brett Boone, David Bell, Mark McLemore, and maybe the greatest Mariner of all time other than Edgar or Dave Niehaus, Lou Piniella. Ichiro DOES NOT COUNT BECAUSE HE DOES NOT CARE! HE’S JUST AS BAD AS THOSE GUYS WHO CAME JUST FOR THE ARCHITECUTRE…ICHIRO JUST COMES FOR HIS 2-5 with a blooper and an infield single and then he goes home to play his Nintendo Wii.

Tone on being a closet racist...um, I mean, his closing thoughts (Just kidding, Tone...or am I?):

Now would be a good time for me to win back anybody who thinks I’m an anti-Seattle douchebag. I won’t deny the douchebag part, but the anti-Seattle thing I can contest. I love the city. And I think every athlete I’ve mentioned that has played here, would agree that this is one of the nicest places they have ever lived. But when it comes to our fanhood, we are horrendous. And it translates to our inability to hold onto the guys that have shaped this city’s sports history.

For people my age, Ken Griffey Junior was quite possibly the greatest part of our childhood. I know it’s hard to remember, but in the NBA there was Jordan, and in baseball, there was Junior. And the fact that he played in my backyard made me feel like I was special. And it’s a goddamn shame that he has spent the past 8 years getting injured in Cincinnati. We got to see the greatest player at his position in our generation but we didn’t get to grow old with him. We saw him young, and now we have to watch him, old, and wearing the number 17, rather than the number 24, which he single handedly made the coolest number ever. Ken Griffey Jr., or even Alex Rodriguez, could have been our Ted Williams, our Yogi Berra, Our Michael Jordan.

It’s too bad we ruined our chances. These guys don’t come around all the time. And now that we are down to just 2 professional franchises it makes finding “that guy” even harder. And unless God comes down and blesses us with a miracle by turning Wladimir Ballentin into the next Manny Ramirez, I don’t see anybody in our near future with the ability to become “that guy”. It’s time for us to get our act together. I don’t want to lose Junior again.

Amen, Brother, Amen.

Reason #10: WIllie Bloomquist

2008-10-07T10:23:00.001-07:00

Occasionally there are things that rise to incredible heights of popularity when they obviously don't deserve it. Maybe these things or people are above-average at what they do, but not fantastic by any means - yet many, many people love them and worship them for no good reason. I call this the Dane Cook syndrome.
Admittedly, it isn't fair to William Bloomquist to lump him with such a hack as Cook. But the analogy fits - he is the favorite of many a casual Mariners fan, but his performance over the years has done nothing to justify this. He is a fast, decent fielding, poor hitting utility player who thinks he should be a starter. (He shouldn't - .260 with no power and meh defense does not a starter make.) The problem here isn't that Bloomquist is an awful player - he isn't, and he is quite good at his role - but that so many fans are incapable of seeing his true talent level. They are simply enamored by his grit and hustle. (Gristle?)

The Mariners front office, which is notorious for loving fan favorites and being poor judges of baseball talent, thus have placed a much higher value on Bloomquist and other 'scrappy' type players than they should. That probably led them to the ridiculous signing of Miguel Cairo last off-season. Bad idea. In short, the Mariners philosophy is messed up as long as they put a higher priority on retaining fan-friendly favorites than acquiring players with talent. Milton Bradley is a notoriously difficult and bad-PR guy, but he can hit the crap out of a baseball. I'd rather have him than 5 Willie Bloomquists, and I don't think the Mariners would. That's scary.

Among Bloomquists various nicknames are Wee Willie, Willie Broomstick, Willie F***ing Bloomquist (or just WFB), Willie Ballgame, and The Ignitor. Those are not the nicknames of a superstar baseball player. Backyard Baseball, maybe. (Angels broadcaster Rex Hudler loves the guy and calls him The Mighty Bloomquist, but Rex Hudler has the IQ of a sponge cake so I don't care what he thinks.)

Willie Bloomquist is not a star, nor should he be treated like one. But as a wise man once said, we should all have a little Willie Bloomquist in us.

Reason #9: Those Pesky Arizona Stadium Winds

2008-10-05T21:24:00.000-07:00

Oh, how I curse you, Aeolus, The Greek God of Winds. How I wish a million deaths upon you, for you and you alone, caused the University of Washington Huskies to get PALINized (New verb: means to completely lose all credibility), or if you hate my liberal spin, O.J.ed (Awaiting being sentenced to life in jail or in this case, a 1-11 season.)

When asked at halftime, down 31-7, if field position had been a factor, Fearless Leader Willingham took accountability for the awful play and...oh wait, nevermind, he didn't.

"Field position and the wind because we could never get ourselves out of a hole with our special teams and we kept giving them field position ... we had two good stops but we couldn't get ourselves gathered enough to change it.''

Here's the crazy thing about football. Every quarter, YOU SWITCH SIDES OF THE FIELD! But I I guess Aeolus and his buddies thought it would be funny to change the wind direction every 25-30 minutes, so you know, Arizona wouldn't have to deal with it. That was the problem, not that Arizona QB Willie Tuitama got sacked three times simply because he just couldn't quite remember which of his teammates who he owed the next touchdown pass to.

At least Aeolus gave Willingham a message from Husky nation:

Next week vs. Oregon State: Neptune floods the field! Willingham builds ark that leaks and averages giving up 44 points a game! He remembers to get two of everything except recruits that can actually play!

Reason #8: Shishkaberries

2008-10-04T19:57:00.000-07:00

It's a shish-kabob! But with berries! Berries and possibly other fruits dipped in chocolate and nuts! How could this possibly go wrong?
Oh, yeah - one of these bad boys will run you 5 dollars within the confines of Safeco Field. Now, look at the above picture. How many pieces of fruit are speared on each stick? Thats right - 5. After applying my vast knowledge of calculus to this problem, I can determine that that works out to 1 dollar per berry. 1. Dollar. Per berry. Each berry costs a dollar. One dollar is required for the purchase of a solitary strawberry.

People, this is why we're in an economic crisis - banks lending out money they don't even have so customers can run around willy-nilly throwing stacks of money off of bridges and paying a dollar for a strawberry. And I'm not gonna stand for it. It's time for a change. Vote for making shishkaberries yourself at home and saving like 13 thousand dollars in the process. Yes we can! Yes we can!

Reason #7: John Henderson

2008-10-03T22:21:00.000-07:00

If only this was happening in the Seahawks' Locker Room...

GOD DAYMN!

Reason #6: The Oregon Ducks

2008-10-02T22:30:00.000-07:00

Nobody likes the Ducks. And it's not just because they frequently have a football team that wins a lot of games. There's just something about them and the way they get Nike money poured into their school, causing all their fans to think that they're the greatest thing since bacon-wrapped meatloaf. Or it could be their easily loatheable mascot. On top of that, they - hang on, there's a really bright light or something, I don't know what it is, but - AAAH MY EYESWhew - good thing that wasn't a bigger picture or I might have permanent retinal damage.

Anyways, the Ducks recently were responsible for costing the Huskies a shot at the national title, and Seattle one of its best shots at the championship it is doomed never to have. You know the year - the 2000 season, the run to the Rose Bowl where they stomped Purdue, Marques Tuiasosopo's elevation from Seattle sports minor deity into full-fledged god. The one loss in that otherwise charmed season was at the hands of the Phil Knight Ducks. The Huskies were down 7 with the ball with 2 minutes to go, and were obviously going to drive the length of the field to score and then win in overtime. But the normally unflappable Tuiasosopo, clearly disoriented by the giant haze of marijuana smoke floating in from Eugene's many hippie camps, threw 4 straight incompletions to seal the loss. And that was that.

Put duck legs, skin sides up, on rack of a broiler pan, then pour 1 cup water into bottom of pan. Brush or spoon about half of glaze over skin side of duck. Roast duck until well browned, about 20 minutes. Turn on broiler. Brush duck with remaining glaze, then broil 3 to 4 inches from heat until skin is bubbling and lightly charred around edges, about 2 minutes more. Keep warm, covered.

Bitter? Me? Naaaaaaah.

Reason #5: The SAFECO Field Bullpens

2008-10-01T13:39:00.000-07:00

It's simple:

Sadly, whoever designed the SAFECO Field bullpens never thought of this.

Bar out in left field...CHECK
Only a chainlink fence between some ornery baseball players and some drunks...CHECK
Promote the experience as family fun...CHECK

Cover little Jimmy's ears when it begins, the rowdy shouting every time Tim Hudson/Johan Santana/Josh Beckett/Tim Lincecum (DIE BILL BAVASI DIE) starts his leg kick out in the pen.

"AHH!"
"WOO!"
"WHOA!"

And every time the warm-up pitch is a ball, high fives are in order! All around! Even if he threw a strike, gimme me some! Because, as all us true Mariners fans know, Kenji Jojiamiadklsfjas would have totally hit the stuffing right out of that meatball.

Whenever I visit and eat my Ichirolls (That's some darn good sushi for those uneducated about the finer delicacies of SAFECO) while observing all this, I can't help but wish to explain to the gathered crowd that a) as a professional athlete, Tim Hudson could probably William Tell any of these gentleman from the regulation 60 feet 6 inches or b) that heckling is an art and at that, an art not yet learned by most Seattle fans.

And really, do we need to give any opposing pitcher more motivation to shut down one of the worst lineups in baseball?

...

HELL YEAH WE DO!

AHHHHH! WOOO! WHOA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Reason #4: Jim Moore

2008-09-30T23:13:00.000-07:00

Oh, Jim Moore, how you humor me. Unintentionally, of course.

First of all, he calls himself the “Go 2 Guy”. I don’t think that point needs any elaboration – that’s simply one of the worst nicknames ever. He tried to get cute and break away from his normal obnoxious Cougar homer self, and he picked the Huskies to beat Oklahoma. Yup, that was a good idea. Instead of being a refreshing break from his brainless bashing of the school he oh-so-cleverly calls “Probation Nation,” he just managed to look silly in a whole new way.

But the heart of the problem with Moore is his inane style. In his latest article on the Mariners, where Moore shows up just a little late on the Stephen Strasberg bandwagon, he begins with each paragraph containing as few possible sentences as possible: 1, 1, 2, 1, 1, 2, 2, 2, 1, 1, 1, 2, 1. And in the whole article, not a single paragraph over 3 sentences long. Amazing. That would have got low marks at my high school. Does he not have the patience to form an entire, legitimate paragraph? Does he just have a deep-seated desire to press the enter button as much as possible? The world may never know.

This is no aberration; it’s simply the unique and ridiculous writing style of the equally ridiculously named Go 2 Guy. His other recent article (on the Storm) contains a couple lines of 3, and 1 miraculous line of 4 sentences. Everything else is 1 or 2. Counting by number of sentences, the article starts off 1, 1, 2, 2, 1, 2, 1, 2. It’s like he’s playing minesweeper.

In the latter article, he unleashed this 1-sentence gem of a paragraph: “Cooper's team appeared to have a little more talent and tenacity this night, which was hard to explain because the Storm dusted the Sparks in Game 2 at KeyArena on Sunday afternoon.” Now, come on, Jim. I don’t know the second thing about the WNBA (the first thing being that it is a national association of basketball played by women), and I know that it’s easy to explain. Here goes - the best team doesn’t always win. And the team who was better in the last game doesn’t always win, either. Because if that were true, WHO WOULD WIN THE FIRST GAME BETWEEN THE TEAMS? There is no logical answer! My god, Moore, have you stumbled upon a paradox that could reveal the answers to mysteries about the very nature of time?!? …no, wait, you just aren’t a very good writer. Got it.

Fortunately for everyone, Jim Moore is confined to the P.I. Unfortunately for everyone, many Puget Sounders still read that paper, so his uncreative, unoriginal and just plain lame writing still gets read by thousands. And as long as they do, Seattle sports fans will be dumber. Stop the madness, everyone. The Go 2 Guy needs to go away.

Reason #3: Grey's Anatomy

2008-09-29T21:47:00.001-07:00

Yeah, it was crazy. Some guy came out of nowhere and stabbed me for watching this show!

After the run of the hit show, Frasier, and that awesome work of cinema, Sleepless in Seattle, I thought nothing could come along that would make Seattle look softer. Yet, then you emerge, Grey's Anatomy, a show that makes Gossip Girl look as gritty as The Wire. (Yeah, I know my televison, what's up now?)

As I sit here drinking my Venti sized Starbucks cappuccino, listening to a little Nirvana, and contemplating how much I loathe everything other than flannel shirts, I’m getting a little depressed from all this rain (that is, if I was actually in Seattle right now...BECAUSE IT ALWAYS RAINS THERE) and when I get like that it's either jump off the Fremont Bridge or make a Top 10 list.

Time to McShutYourPieHole and listen up, doctors who kill most of their patients!

Top Ten Things You Didn't Know About Seattle:

Sir Mix-A-Lot reps us...hard
Where the Atomic Bomb was Invented
Only Colony to Have Two People Sign the Declaration of Independence
Doughnuts are illegal...as is any type of pollution. That's why we all live in tents, bio diesel fueled tents.
That's a real hospital in the show! It's where I was born and delivered by some crying woman doctor who had just cheated on her boyfriend or gotten pregnant or something else totally life ruining.
The ferry is fake though. Why would we use boats when we have bridges everywhere...FLOATING BRIDGES.
Karl Marx wrote the Communist Manifesto after seeing my high school
The song, Don't Stop Believin', was written about the quest to get indoor plumbing to all residents in the early '80s.
George Washington, namesake of our great state, could not tell a lie, except when he told you that dogs go to heaven.
Sarah Palin used to be Mayor.

Kill me now.

Reason #2: Carlos Silva

2008-09-28T21:14:00.000-07:00

This is Carlos Silva.
Carlos Silva is a professional baseball player for the Seattle Mariners. Carlos Silva was a free agent going into the past offseason. Carlos Silva had decent career statistics, about average for a #3 pitcher, but was aided by the fact that he is an extreme pitch to contact pitcher and that he had a good defense behind him in the Twin Cities. The main suitor for Silva in the offseason was the Seattle Mariners, despite a recent history of signing pitchers to large contracts with poor results.

The Seattle Mariners signed Carlos Silva to a 4 year, 48 million dollar deal. His deal includes award bonuses: $0.2 M for winning the Cy Young, $50,000 each for winning the LCS MVP, Gold Glove, or being named to the All Star team. And $0.1 M for being named World Series MVP.

This season, Carlos Silva gave up 114 runs in 153 innings pitched. He sported a 6.46 ERA and a 1.6 WHIP. He gave up 213 hits while striking out only 69 batters. He gave up more than 3 times as many hits than strikeouts. He was one of the worst 5 starting pitchers in the major leagues.

Carlos Silva is fat. Carlos Silva refers to himself in the third person as ‘Chief.’ Carlos Silva has, on multiple occasions, threatened his teammates, and was likely the guilty party who threatened to beat up the team’s best player, Ichiro. Two months ago, in a long and vague rant against some of his teammates, Silva said, "Instead of moving a runner, they (Mariners hitters) want to get a base hit just because of the numbers. Instead of to get a ground ball, maybe I want to strike him out because of my numbers, you know what I mean?” In baseball, a base hit is better than just moving the runner over and a strikeout is almost always better than a ground ball. Carlos Silva apparently does not know this. Carlos Silva is a professional baseball player.

This season, the Seattle Mariners finished with 61 wins and 101 losses, the worst in the American League. They were also the first team to spend 100 million dollars and lose over 100 games.

The Seattle Mariners signed Carlos Silva to a 4 year, 48 million dollar deal. His deal includes award bonuses: $0.2 M for winning the Cy Young, $50,000 each for winning the LCS MVP, Gold Glove, or being named to the All Star team. And $0.1 M for being named World Series MVP.

Reason #1: Ty Willingham

2008-09-27T23:57:00.000-07:00

Well, I was going to write about something a little more abstract to start this endeavor but my hand was forced.

Ty Willingham, coach of my beloved Washington Huskies, you have let me down. Time and time again, I have defended your honor, your integrity. I loved the discipline. I loved how you never smiled on the sidelines. You were the definition of a bad ass.

Well, until the games actually started.

Now, after making Tavita Pritchard look like John Elway, after making Sam Bradford look like Jesus, you are my first reason that a Seattle sports team will never win a championship. You are 11-29 over the last four years. The Huskies have been outscored in the 2nd half by so much during your tenure, I don’t even have the heart to look it up. What do you do in there? Give them horse tranquilizers?

And worst of all, you are making Jake Locker wish he played baseball every time he has to play a team like Oklahoma or USC or Ohio State that are foaming at the mouth to take his block off because we have absolutely no one to help him out. See evidence:

OR

Where’s J.R. Hasty, Ty? Where’s the kid I saw run all over De La Salle High School for 271 yards to break their 151 game win streak? Your crown jewel recruit? I don’t see him in the backfield. I don't see him on the sidelines. Don't even see him in the stands. Oh right, that’s because he now plays at CENTRAL WASHINGTON, and probably soon to be joined by his ex-high school teammate and your leading tackler for last year, E.J. Savannah. Nice discipline, Ty. Way to keep the players in check.

How clueless is Ty? Once upon a time, UW had a quarterback named Isaiah Stanback. Isaiah Stanback could run the 100 meters in 10.4. Isaiah Stanback could not pass the ball. At all. So of course, let’s not run the option. Let’s not encourage him to pull it down and run as much as possible. Let’s make him a pocket passer. And let’s lose. A lot.

After watching Stanback and company choke it against Air Force in 2005, I wrote in to the paper saying Ty wasn’t going to fix anything and we should get rid of him sooner than later. It was the first game of his tenure. Now, I’m no Nostradamus but after games like a 35-28 loss to Stanford, I feel pretty close. Bet you wish you ran that letter now, huh, Seattle Times?